I'm Beyond Jealous Of This 15-Year-Old Brazilian Who Can Fire 94mph Heat

15!!! Granted, this is Brazil. The entire country is a functioning STD. Birth records are an afterthought so we could have a Danny Almonte situation on our hands. Then again we could have a Steve Nebraska. Back in the hey-day I was rocking a 6’3 200lb build on the mound and couldn’t even sniff 80. It’s physically impossible to have that big of a frame and still serve up meatballs* every start. I’d go through a million different mechanics but couldn’t throw gas. Meanwhile this kid can’t even get his driver’s permit yet and is throwing like he’s been in the show for years. There is no God. Also, somebody get Ruben Amaro from the 1st base box and into a GM office and pay billions of dollars for this kid’s rights before he blows his arm out by 18. Let some other team feel our pain of incompetence.

While we’re on the topic of weird people throwing pure heat, Tim Lincecom (in his CY Young prime) can go fist himself, too. Nobody who is 5’10, 165 soaking wet should ever come close to 100mph. There is no God. And screw this Marlins pitchers jump stop delivery, too. This crackerjack is doing a fucking pirouette mid-air and clocking 90+ mph heat in the big leagues. I just don’t get it. Fuck everyone.

legal pitch or nah? pic.twitter.com/sdNI4dXrky

— nick pants (@nick_pants) April 14, 2015

*If my heater was a Ford Escort then my deuce was a freaking Rolls Royce. 12 to 6 baby.

Second only to Darryl Kile (RIP, I think right? (Googles…) Yeah, RIP.)