MMBM: Michelle Tafoya Tricked Julian Edelman Into Violating Tom Brady's Suspension
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The New England Patriots have been ruthlessley attacked through the media again folks. After a big road win verse Bruce Arians and his Cardinals, the Patriots offensive leader Julian Edelman and future Browns kick-holder Jimmy Garrapolo spoke to NBC and were entrapped into a situation where Commissioner Roger Goodell now has no choice but to extend Tom Bradys suspension to 6 or even 8 games, or else he comes off looking like a hypocritical dweeb for the first time in his otherwise flawless tenure.
In the post game press conference, Julian Edelman directly violated the conditions of Tom Brady’s 4-game suspensions for probably asking a equipment manager to not make footballs unthrowably hard. Under the letter of the law, Brady is to have no communication with his teamates at all until week 4. But that didnt stop Julian Edelman from sending a message to his suspended signal-caller- perhaps even using some code designed to convey a secret message, blinking “do your job” in morse code or some other improper communicaton about which cycle of designer steroids Gronk was going to get caught with in order to ensure a extra open roster spot for week 9.
I’m as big a Tom Brady supporter as there comes, but even I have to admit that there is no gray area on this one- Goodell needs to drop the hammer. Blame falls partially at the feet of Belichick for not preparing his team and partially at the gotcha journlists of NBC, as well as to Patriots new player Chris Long whose father is a gotcha journalist and should of seen this trick coming a mile away. Its a clear cut case- Brady must sit an additional two games or else Goodell risks losing the trust and respect of the players.
Again I dont want to see this happen but the facts are the facts, and Edelman clearly communcated to Brady. When the judge told me I wasnt suppose to harass my ex’s nephews football referee anymore that didnt mean that I could take out a full page ad in the paper telling him he sucks. When we tell child molesters that they arent aloud within 500 feet of a school that doesn’t mean that they can strap a go-pro to a puppy and have it run through the halls beaming signals back to there living room. Same exact thing as Edelman’s little tricks here.
And lets give credit where credit is due. Coach Belichick probably thought this was the perfect crime. Hell, he might of even greased Michelles palm a little bit in order to get a message back to Brady and just didn’t count on a eagle-eyed view like me finding out.
Also- coach was dealing with a cold sore for the ages- and it just goes to show how he is without a doubt a mastermind. There is no doubt in my mind that Belichick intentionally induced a outbreak in order to make his lips more difficult to read. Leave it to a football genius to use a simplex to disguise his complex offensive schemes. Having a career backup like Garrapolo starting in place of Brady is the football equivilant of having a fever blister on your lip that your trying to conceal and the only way to do that is if you have a solid foundation. You can use misdirection like growing a goatee or in the Patriots case-starting the football equivlant of unusual facial hair- a wildcard weirdo like Martellus Bennet, and using crafty, heads up type players like Edelman to run end-arounds aka “reverse racisms” to draw attention to your other more positive qualities instead.
Most other coaches lack the foresight to dose himself with a light variation of herpes B 3 weeks prior to the debut on Sunday Night Football but thats the commitment which makes all the difference for Belichick and the Pats all while getting a head start on Halloween and dressing up as a slutty version of himsel. By the way you have to wonder if he and his daughter have rules for no kissing on lips during active outbreaks or if its a “if you dont want me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best” type situation. Either way- tip of the hat to Bill for a all-time performance.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Jack Del Rio
That Raiders D is the real deal folks. You’ve got Khaleel Mack coming off one end, and everyone knows that yesterday has been a historically difficult day to stop a Jihad. Not only can the pass rush get after it but they also have a potent offense being run by the goth Carr brother and Amari Cooper.
We all know Jack Del Rio translates into “Masterbate into the river” and yesterday he somehow managed to make the Mississippi Delta even more fertile with his big nuts going for two at the end of the game to upset the Saints. His balls didnt want the game to come down to a coin flip even though technicaly his mighty sperm are made up entirely of heads and tails. I’m really looking forward to seeing how Del Rio is going to motivate his team into 3 straight wildcard births and first round playoff exits untill he’s inevitably replaced by Kyle Shanahan in 2019.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Robert Griffin the I, I, I was voted captain of his team but people forget that Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany under a democracy as well- its easy to be given a armband- but what you do with it makes all the difference. Likewise, Griffin suffered a self-inflicted wound when he was hoping to escape a bunch of guys with bald eagles on there uniforms. At some point the coincidences become too much to bear and we need to send him to a independent panel at neuremberg instead of a independent panel of neurologists.
2. Big loser was the Browns. Big Loser 2 was the ESPN fantasy football app. Now I’m more of a realty guy than a fantasy guy but even I can admit that there was obvously some monkey business going on. I rely on the ESPN fantasy ap so I can keep up with “The Leagues” sophistcated references and now I feel like I’m going to be totally lost. Hey speaking of not knowing where you were on 9/11 I bet not feeling like you were right in the middle of the action yesterday must of reopened some old wounds from Steve Rannazzisi. Couldnt help but feel that Secretary Clintons lack of IT securty set a lax top-down approach to cyber safety in this country and could be ultimately responsible for the failure. Folks I wouldnt be suprised to see the ESPN app mysteriously crash during MNF during the Presidential debates, forcing people to tune into politics instead of football and giving a unfair advantage to Hillary Clinton.
3. The Lions offense lost a Johnson but they’ve still got a Cooter. Stafford can now spread the ball around without having to feed his hungriest, most overated Hall Of Famer and can now concentrate on running the offense through possession receivers and Zane Zenner.
4. Tony Dungy said on Football Night In America that he use to coach his players in Indianapolis on how to stand correctly for the national anthem. They would spend practice time videotaping it and reviewing film of how they executed their stance during the star spangled banner instead of wasting time on stuff like how to overcome press coverage in the snow or kicking 46 yd field goals in simulated end-of-game situations or working on suprise onside kick recoveries coming out of halftime hypothetically.
5. For the 3rd year in a row, the first TD of the NFL season was scored by a fullback.
Yet ESPN is blatantly ignoring market trends and has yet to make the FB a position in standard fantasy leagues.You could award pancake points for blocks, or team building for every time they pick the QB up after a missed blocking assignment. Maybe best part of the week was watching the Broncos FB run in that first score covering up the ball securleywhen there was no opponet within a metric mile of him. Ball security equals job securty, and for all the youngsters watching at home you get to touch the ball twice as much if you wrap it up with both hands.
6. Once again the Dallas Cowboys have a worse record defending their home terrtory then the nation of France.
Here’s the thing- Skoal Beasely is actually a better WR than Dez even though he’s technically worse. I know that sounds crazy, and I’m not trying to genitally mutilate a mudwasp here, but Cole Beasley wouldnt of dropped Dez’s incredible diving TD because he wouldnt of been able to catch it in the 1st place. Dez leads his team in mood swings on the sideline, but most importantly he makes them have mood swings on the field with all his spectacular plays that end up getting called back. Whenever Dez makes a wild leaping grab thats initially ruled a TD only to have it overturned, his team whole team looses all the momentum they’ve gained. A less athletic player like Beasley might have fewer catches, but he’ll also have fewer catches overturned as the crow flies. Just a bit of sabermetrics for you all.
7. Big Monday Night Doubleheader tonight featuring the Berman game where they let Boomer see if he can fit into a booth and time how long it takes for him to electrocute himself with his own spittle. Chris Bermen is like that Phantom Time theory I talked about on Conspircy Theory mount rushmore except he genuinely doesn’t believe that any year past 1983 has ever happened. I truly believe that Berman has gone through the last 33 years in a merry fugestate of codeine induced dementia where he thinks he’s honestley the Swami and people care about the 49ers and Brown Universty. But most of all I’m exited to see Berman thoughtfully work in a Don Henley quote into his thoughts on the Colin Kapernick national anthem situation. By the way just a idea I came up with a couple years ago now applicable again: If Chip Kelly was really innovative in his offense he would play the National Anthem on full blast during plays and force the other team to show respects for our flag while Colin Kapernick ran circles around them.
8. This guy makes a pretty good point that Kenny Stills surefire TD drop could of been caused by his lack of patriotism:
Its impossible to rule this one out. Other people who have had notable drops after disrepsecting the United States flag include Colin Kapernicks position on the depth chart and Osama Bin Laden off the deck of a aircraft carrier. And since were connecting dots, I wonder if Penn State’s loss to Pitt on Saturday was because they refused to play Gary Glitter during warmups.
9. Russel Wilson is hurt, possibly injured from getting stepped on accidentally repeatedly by Ndamukong Suh. The Seattle Offensive line has benefited in the past from playing in front of a loud home crowd that is too busy sharing there latest thinkpieces on medium with each other to be bothered to notice a lack of consistancy in the pass blocking game. Coach Carroll had warned his team about how it would be impossble to overpower anything numbered 93 on september 11 and the lack of preparation against Suh showed. Now Wilson is probably out for next week’s tilt against not Jared Goff and here’s a guarentee: Take the Rams and the moneyline. The Rams are a team that for the past 15 years has sucked but also been good in meaningless games against good teams. They are the Afghanistan army of professional football.
10.
And Lets check out the map
