We Now Live In A World Where The Eggplant Emoji Is Now An Eggplant Emoji Vibrator

Salon- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Emojibator, a vibrator designed in the likeness of the eggplant, the most popular phallic-shaped emoji. “Since the eggplant emoji has penetrated your texting conversations, it has been a definitive sex symbol,” reads the product description. The titillating description continues, “Sexting with yourself is an act that can become even more delightful with the perfect vibrator…finally you can enhance your sexual experience with the sleek eggplant emoji.” Everyone wants to bang an eggplant, apparently. The Emojibator isn’t only about a tumescent vegetable being used to achieve millennial pleasure. Rather, the researchers behind the product have tapped into cultural quirks specific to the millennial generation: we have fewer sex with partners than past generations and we’d rather not deal with people face-to-face. Obviously this is going to affect sex lives.

Millennials stand the fuck up! Making moves in the sex toy business. When  I’m sick of people always shitting on millennials. The people who shit on millennials make me wanna puke. Like their generation was so perfect. Get the fuck outta my face. Most of the people who look down upon us are the people who are just mad they’re gonna die soon. Or at least die a lot sooner than us. So go ahead, talk shit. You’ll be dead and we’ll still be alive so we win. Anyway, this eggplant emoji vibrator is either going to make 500 million dollars or 5 dollars. That’s the risk you take when creating a vibrator out of an emoji that everybody knows means penis (which is a real sentence I just typed in a real world). It seems like the type of things crazy girls will go crazy for and crazy girls are a great market. Or it’ll be the type of thing where girls only buy them as weird gifts for bachelorette parties and it’ll never catch on. Guess we’ll have to stay tuned.