America Needs To Grant This Russian Olympic Smoke Being Called A Traitor Citizenship ASAP

MOSCOW — Russian long jumper Darya Klishina is facing a barrage of criticism at home for agreeing to compete under a neutral flag. Because Russian track and field athletes were suspended globally following state-sponsored doping, the U.S.-based Klishina was given permission by the IAAF over the weekend to compete as a neutral athlete because she met “exceptional eligibility criteria.” That enraged some Russians, who called her a “traitor” and pointed out she lives and trains abroad. One social media account published her picture in a leaflet that was reminiscent of Nazi propaganda that encouraged collaboration in the occupied territories of the Soviet Union.

First off, I’m not down with this “Neutral Flag” happy horseshit. If that’s a thing then the Olympic committee should allow me to tuck my sack back and compete with no country representation as a transgender in Women’s boxing. Daddy/Mommy needs an Olympic medal, or at least die trying on the canvas for #Content after some bull haymakers me into the heavens. But onto the Russian smokestack being threatened for not representing Russia, what’s right is right. America needs to step in and take this minx under our wing. Not for visual or breeding purposes, I think. For the good of humanity. Make her one of us for her own protection. Because if she steps one gorgeous foot back into Russia after the Olympics it’s game over for Miss Klishina. Nobody turns their back on Mother Russia and comes out on top, and this one’s a little too precious to spend the rest of her days in The Gulag or Siberia. We at least pretend to take care of our own in the states.

And do I spy with my little eye a…booty tat? Sexy. Send her this way, Obama. It may be the only thing we would ever have in common but it may be the only thing that matters.