Nothing pisses me off more than all the pessimistic ass hats out there who love to claim that “journalism is dead”. Those who love to claim that listicles and click-baity headlines have diminished the industry into a shell of what it once was. Because in a world full of cock sucking jabronis like BuzzFeed, there’s at least one network out there who is still willing to get dirty and ask the tough questions. That network, as I’m sure you’ve figured out already, is the Cable News Network.
Did I wake up this morning needing to know Donald Trump’s stance on this whole gorilla ordeal? I did not. Mostly I woke up regretting every decision made from the long weekend. But thank god for CNN. Because now we have the answer that nobody was asking for.
CNN - “I think it’s a very tough call,” Trump said. “It was amazing because there were moments with the gorilla — the way he held that child, it was almost like a mother holding a baby. Looked so beautiful and calm.”
“And there were moments where it looked pretty dangerous. I don’t think they had a choice,” he added. “It’s too bad there wasn’t another way. But I thought it was so beautiful to watch that powerful, almost 500-pound gorilla the way he dealt with that little boy.”
As per usual, I think Trump came out of this one on top. Because now you can tell he’s just a regular dude who watches ESPN all day and that’s a man who I want to give my vote to. That stance was taken directly out of the Stephen A. Smith playbook. You can tell that he’s studied Stephen A for quite some time now to pull it off with such precise execution. Would he have killed the gorilla? Well he wouldn’t have much of a choice, but if he did have a choice then maybe he would take that other choice because the gorilla looked beautiful and calm but who knows about that choice because the gorilla also looked dangerous. Tough call. I’m just glad we live in a society in which journalists like the ones employed at CNN are still able to fish for those answers. God bless CNN, God bless Donald Trump, God bless the parents who were dumb enough to let their 3-year-old child fall into a gorilla pit and God bless these great United States of America.
P.S. – #GorillaLivesMatter is a gem on the internet today.
