Gwyneth Paltrow Recommends A $15,000 Vibrator For Chicks On Her New Website

People - Gwyneth is giving Goop.comreaders great expectations for their sex lives.  The actress’s lifestyle site launched a list of “Not So Basic Sex Toys” for those wishing to expand their intimacy horizons – and aren’t afraid to break the bank (par for the course with Goop-y goods).  The selections range from exploratory to Fifty Shades, and are perfect for “all scenarios,” according to Goop.  “Sex toys have long since graduated from the floppy rubber things you hide in your bedside table to beautiful works of interactive art,” the site explained.  Products for the price-conscious include a Fetish Fantasy Gold Beginner’s Fantasy Kit for $37.99, which comes with gold handcuffs and a black mask with matching paddle.

Gwyneth Paltrow absolutely seems like the type of chick who would only let a 15,000 dollar vibrator in her pussy. Im surprised her dildo isnt just straight up a gold bar. Just straight up gold bullion. Doesnt even matter that its shaped like a trapezoid, Gwyneth needs that solid gold in her pussy. I used to think she was a total dead fish in bed, but thats not exactly right. After that quote about how the key to a happy marriage is giving your husband head, I cant really say shes a total prude in the bedroom. But she is no doubt a priss in the bedroom. Her site also recommends “Organic lube,” which they describe as farm to vagina. Organic lubes and gold plated vibrators, as if your vagina is some sort of holy temple. Which seems a little bit over the top. Like you’re gonna let a regular dick up in there eventually. Some dirty dick up in there kind of erases all the gold plated dildos and organic lube and stuff. Its almost like making your bed in the morning. Total waste of time since you know its gonna get messed up later tonight anyway.