Breaking Down Each State's Most Searched PornHub Term

First let me say that these “reveals” that PornHub does are genius. They give “statistics” on the site all the time and they always go viral. What cities jerkoff the most after a Super Bowl loss, how often people jerkoff in snowstorms, times breakdowns of jerking off, etc, etc. I’m pretty sure it’s all just made up, but they know what they’re doing. The world wants to know everyone’s porn habits and the Hub obliges. It’s why they’ve got a monopoly on the industry now. Back in my day there was YouJizz, SpankWire, KeezMovies, probably a few I’ve forgotten. You’d check all those sites before settling down. But now, PornHub stands above the rest because of moves like this.

Anyway, on to the break downs:

Lesbian

States: Pretty much everywhere

Really disappointed in America here. Lesbian porn is as boring as it gets. If a vagina doesn’t have a dick in it then don’t even wake me up. Thirteen year olds who are just finding out that you don’t have to be 18 to click “I’m 18″ buttons like lesbian porn because they think seeing a dick makes you gay. Real men know that real porns got a dick in it. A good-sized dick too, this is a fantasy after all. Being both adequately sized and able to please a woman is an equal part of the POV experience.

Cartoon 

States: Nebraska, Arkansas, Tennessee, Vermont

See this is why I think people sit in a PornHub conference room and just make stuff up for these releases. I’d believe this cartoon shit from Vermont, but not the other three. Those states strike me as more of the “opening scene in A Time to Kill” types and not the “that purple haired chick from Futurama gets dicked down” ones. Nonetheless, I don’t even think I need to address this, but if you watch cartoon porn you’re a fucking psycho. You want to think Whoa, Marge is kinda bringing it or Always knew Velma did anal, not a bad dick on Scooby either after a sidebar ad catches your eye, fine. We’ve all done it. But don’t you dare go searching it, pervert.

Ebony/Black

States: Louisiana, Mississippi (sung that to spell it), Georgia, Delaware

I put these in the same category to highlight the fact that they are very much not the same category. I have no data to support this but I feel like “black” searches will get you very different results. Ebony is elegant. Ebony chicks wear diamond butt plugs and have their heels echo throughout mansions. “Black” is just some chick giving head to a Ying Yang Twins song.

Step Sister

States: Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Ohio, Maine

What the fuck? No. Never. Not ok. Anything with “sister” in it is absurdly off limits. I couldn’t even consider watching porn with a girl whose got a name that even kinda sounds like my sister’s. You’re all gross.

Step Mother

States: Alaska, Washington, South Dakota, Kentucky, New Hampshire

Pretty much the same thing as the “Step Sister” category. If you’ve got a hard dick and you’re typing words associated with immediate family members into a porn search engine then you’ve got a fucking problem, my friend.

*important note coming in the next category

MILF

States: Rhode Island

Here’s a huge note regarding step mom: if a MILF happens to also have step mom in the category, then so be it. That’s fair game. But the “mother” part cannot be the important part. Wanna jerk off to hot older ladies? Cool. Want them to perhaps be someone else’s mother even though MILF is really just another name for cougar nowadays? Go crazy. But you cannot need the mother aspect to get your rocks off. If the two cross-pollinate, then so be it, but seeking out someone banging their kinda kid.

Asian

States: Hawaii

Kinda racist for Hawaii, right? You’re all Asian. You don’t see me typing “white” into search bars. Expand your horizons a bit, you inbreds. Check out a white girl, or an ebony, or a Latina. There’s a whole world out there, don’t be so close-minded.

So that’s the list/my free advertising for PornHub. Really disappointed that we’re a nation of adolescents who watch lesbian porn. You can’t have a good porn that ends with the girls going, “Soooo, I guess that’s good, yeah? We’re done?” Lesbian sex goes on for infinity or until a director says cut. There’s no limit to their orgasms. You need the finite money shot or else you get sucked into a porn vortex. Let’s be better next year, folks. Maybe grow up and mix in some anal or something. Shocked not one state had that. I don’t even get out of bed anymore unless there’s a speculum involved.