The CDC Tells Women to Stop Drinking Altogether if They Aren't on Birth Control

USA Today — Women of childbearing age should avoid alcohol unless they’re using contraception, federal health officials said Tuesday, in a move to reduce the number of babies born with fetal alcohol syndrome. “Alcohol can permanently harm a developing baby before a woman knows she is pregnant,” said Anne Schuchat, principal deputy director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “About half of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned, and even if planned, most women won’t know they are pregnant for the first month or so, when they might still be drinking. “The risk is real. Why take the chance?” Schuchat asked. The CDC estimates 3.3 million women between ages 15 to 44 are at risk of exposing a developing fetus to alcohol because they drink, are sexually active and not using birth control. Even when women are actively trying to get pregnant, three in four continue drinking after they stop using birth control, according to the CDC report. There is no known safe level of alcohol at any stage of pregnancy, according to the CDC. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends women abstain completely from alcohol while pregnant.

Still, Filer acknowledged telling young women to completely abstain from alcohol could be a tough sell. Alcohol plays a role in many conceptions, after all, even among married couples. “Some women will take this advice,” Filer said, “and some will not.” The American Beverage Institute, a restaurant trade association, criticized the CDC’s advice. “The CDC’s view on alcohol is incredibly puritanical,” said Sarah Longwell, the group’s managing director. “The more prohibitionist the agency’s stance, the less seriously the public will take its message.”

Well, the way I see it women that aren’t on birth control can either take this warning seriously and stop drinking completely… which sucks. Or they have to ignore the warning and keep going about their business as usual in which case the CDC basically just called them alcoholics. So really a “damned if you do, possibly a flat faced, stupider than usual baby if you don’t” scenario for the female gender. That’s why the general reaction from the public has pretty much been a big ole middle finger to the CDC about this advisory.

See, the issue is they really went about this warning the wrong way. With facts. You don’t separate people from alcohol before they even know they’re pregnant by saying that causes brain damage. That’s insulting. I bet half the population was conceived while their parents were at least a little drunk. And they certainly might have tossed back a few before they even knew they were pregnant. The CDC can’t call that many people possibly brain damaged and expect a positive response… even if it’s true. The mistake is that they’re trying to tell people who just want to drink smart things. That’s silly. They don’t want to hear it because they’d prefer to be drunk and banging. You’ve gotta trick them.

Here’s my solution. You need two press releases. You tell the women that aren’t on birth control that are trying to conceive that alcohol kills their chances of getting pregnant. The sperm basically show up to a bar and then they get drunk and lost and refuse to ask for directions. No babies that way. Then you tell the spray and pray crowd that the alcohol doubles their chances of getting pregnant. The sperm show up and blammo, it’s beer goggles all around. Probably gonna be an Octomom. That’ll scare that crowd straight. See, sometimes the government gets too caught up informing the public about the truth when what they should really be doing is insulting our intelligence. That’s what gets results.