There Is No Way Christian Bale Mastered The Drums In Two Weeks

You know it’s officially awards show season when movies start making up ridiculous, headline grabbing lies to snatch up some media attention. This is today’s: Christian Bale mastered the drums in two weeks for “The Big Short” (haven’t seen it yet so no spoilers, please. Excited to see what ends up happening with the whole “housing market is going to crash” theory). But I can’t just sit here and let people believe this. Two weeks? Christian Bale mastered the drums in TWO WEEKS?! Get the hell out of my face. I’ve been on this earth for 27 years and I still haven’t mastered the art of peeing in a giant bowl without hitting the seat*, but you want me to believe this wonderful Welch man just studied up for 14 days and now he’s John Bonham? No. I won’t stand for it. I know Bale is dedicated to his craft, I know he lost a billion pounds by eating an apple a day for “The Machinist,” and I know he put on a billion pounds of muscle for “Batman,” but he didn’t fucking learn the drums in a goddamn fortnight. Maybe he learned a scene, but he didn’t learn the drums.

* I almost never lift the seat, and I always hit it. If the seat is down then I just pee and if I hit it, I wipe it up with some TP. It’s really the perfect metaphor for my life: I know doing this thing will go poorly and lead to more work, yet I still put it off. I’ll work ten times harder tomorrow if it means I don’t have to work today. I’m truly dedicated to procrastination, no matter how many hardships it brings. I’m committed to never learning my lesson.