People Supporting Tim Tebow For Not Banging Former Miss USA Olivia Culpo Are The Weirdest Of All The Internet Weirdos

Tim Tebow reportedly stopped seeing former Miss USA Olivia Culpo because she couldn’t live with him not banging, we’ve covered that and it’s hard to disagree with Pres’s take there that it’s insane. But, as is usually the case, there are random people online who view this through an entirely different prism that you couldn’t possibly understand and I’m always intrigued by it. Here’s a very different take about the harlot Olivia Culpo and the heroic virgin Tim Tebow from a Christian values viral site (yes, those exist) called FaithIt:

I’m going to ignore the corny PRAISE angle because sometimes you’ve just got to use the word “divine” ten times in a sentence and also it must be fun to spend your blogs lofting cheesy religious turns of phrase all day. But secondly, their take about him finding solace in God isn’t 1/100th as insane as some of the religious heaters being thrown around in the unsurprisingly pro-Tebow FaithIt comment section:

Great question, Alisha, why do men date Miss USAs instead of dry humping some pig who’d go “Uh uh uh that’s not what Jesus would do!” when he tries to guide her hand down to his throbbing and spiritually useless erection? Let’s get our top scientists on that stat. Even if a guy is committed to being a virgin, he’s still a guy. And if I were a Tebow “career virgin by choice,” I’d MUCH rather somehow will chicks like Olivia Culpo or Ciara into a reluctant life of virginity than just live a life of mediocrity with some chick who also wants to not bang. Where’s the challenge in that? Getting a 10/10 professionally attractive woman to give up sex is the ultimate power move and possibly the only upside if I’m trying to imagine life as a prominent yet attractive virgin. If you can pull it off, that’s what you call planting a flag to show everyone who’s boss.

Any woman with this kind of thought process is definitely redefining “hairy predicaments” with her genitals, we can agree there.

You know what would happen if you “got them all together”? They’d spend every minute sucking and fucking everything within a one mile radius because of how much they’re lying to you about their abstinence. Or they’d be so repressed that talking for five minutes with like-minded people ends in some sort of murder-suicide pact. Either way, keep your abstainers separate like Coke and Pop Rocks just to be safe.

Yeah! Can you even call it a beauty pageant of the majestic glory of a woman’s useless but still in-tact hymen isn’t involved? Val and I say no.

-Signed, A Concerned Citizen Whose Belt Also Has Many Notches But Only For Functional Reasons

This one isn’t that bad but “fine as frog hair” is such a person commenting on a viral religious website thing to say.

OF COURSE this is the one chick taking the side of anti-reverse-slut-shaming triggers or whatever she’d call it. Internet doing Internet things.

Well at least Glenn is probably half-right.

Taylor Lautner-Style Gay Hands is coincidentally also the name of my new indie band, check us out at Knitting Factory on Thursday. Here are more pics of Olivia Culpo: