David Beckham Has Never Been Sexiest Man Alive? Who The Fuck Does People Magazine Think They Are?

When I originally heard this I almost fell asleep. Such a boring pick, right? I mean David Beckham? How many times has he won this thing like 15 different years? Well hold onto your hats, because the answer is zero. Yeah, I know. Shocking, shocking stuff. I’m offended on a personal level. David Beckham has been the hottest thing going for like 20 years. Captain of England’s national team, captain of the most popular futbol club in the world, married a Spice Girl, impregnates her with fetuses that are so attractive they’re given modeling contracts before they hit second trimester, had Adam Levine’s look before Adam Levine’s PR people decided to create Adam Levine. This dude has been here forever and you’re just now giving him the recognition he deserves? It’s appalling, more appalling than Leo having zero Oscars. I just looked back of the last two decades of winners and Beckham was running circles around 95% of those fools every year. Clean it up, People. Waiting to name David Beckham the sexiest man alive until he’s a vacuuming husband is almost insulting, it’s like a hand delivered wedding invitation a week before the ceremony or something. Complete miscarriage of justice to wait until 2015 to honor Beckham like this.

PS – If Taylor Kitsch, Idris Elba, and Scott Eastwood aren’t the next three then we riot.