Beer Leaguer With A Good Ol Fashion 2-Hand Baseball Chop To The Back Of The Knees
“2 minutes? Well worth it” – This guy, but probably in Finnish.
Holy shit, Paul Bunyan, calm your tits. So you got the puck stripped away from you because you can’t handle a loose puck on the boards. No need to take a page of out Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson’s book here and go full yabo right to the back of the knees. I mean, I get it. It’s beer league. The main reason why most of these guys even play is so that they can get out of the house and away from their bitch wife that is constantly nagging them and their kid that’s always screaming and maybe even they’re divorced guys who just have nothing else to live for aside from 60 minutes on the ice every week with their boys. So the last thing you want to deal with is some punk taking your candy at the red line and making you look like a fool. Beer League gets heated some times and it seems to get especially heated in Finland. But that may have been a tad aggressive and now it’s time to take a look at the 7 players you’ll meet inn beer league.
1. This Guy. The Hack. The Goon. The Asshole Who Hates His Life And Hates All Of You Even More
I pretty much explained everything you need to know about this guy above but again, he’s the type of player who just has nothing left outside of beer league hockey. The kind of guy who is just begging for a fight each time he steps on the ice just so that he can feel alive again. He spends more time in the penalty box than he does on the ice but lucky for him, he already stashed an 18-rack in the box before the game so he’s set to go.
2. The Old Guy Who Just Randomly Shows Up
He’s more of just an urban legend around the rink but every once in a while he’ll show up in your locker room ready to play. He doesn’t have an actual team himself but just bumps around from team to team filling in for whoever needs subs. He’s been around the block a few times and though he may have zero talent left whatsoever, he knows how to play Beer League hockey. Which is hardly even actual hockey for the most part. So he shows up with his gloves from the 70s and helmet that has a football mask on it and at the end of the night, he just vanishes into thin air again never to be heard from again. Until next time.
3. Guy Who Thinks Every Game Is Game 7 Of The Stanley Cup
A total try-hard. He’s out there playing dump-and-chase hockey yelling about taking shorter shifts to keep fresh legs on the ice for the 3rd period. He’s yelling at the refs and arguing calls. He’ll point out that #74 on the other team didn’t sign the scoresheet and that he shouldn’t be eligible to play. Most likely, this guy lost a big game back in high school and has just never been able to shake it. So every time he touches the ice, he feels the need to avenge that loss. The other guys on the team probably hate him but he views himself as the captain. Has probably thought once or twice about actually throwing a C on his jersey.
4. The Guy Who Is Just There For The Beer And Good Times
This guy is pretty much like guy #1 except he’s not a complete dickhead. Same thing applies to where he really has nothing going on in his life outside of Beer League hockey. The only difference is that he turns into a happy drunk when he drinks and not into a raging lunatic. So he shows up to the locker room and immediately brings up the team morale. He’s good for some jokes on the bench and even though he gets worked around like a turnstyle on the ice, everyone still loves him. Until he accidentally pukes on you in the shower after the game but it happens.
5. The Guy Who Has Never Played Hockey Before But Still Eats All The Ice Time
It’s actually impressive how much this guy sucks but yet every night, he’s still out on the ice nearly double the time that every one else was. Mostly because he doesn’t know how to change on the fly but also because he’s just a goon like that. His overconfidence is admirable. Your team goes on a powerplay, he immediately hops over the boards thinking he’s PP1. Your team pulls the goalie, he’s over the boards coming on as the 6th man. At some point you just have to sit back and watch the kid do his thing. Which is a lot of falling and losing the puck in his skates but it’s entertaining anyway.
6. The Guy Who Shows Up In The 2nd Period And Still Has 6 Goals
He’s the best guy on your team and usually by a lot. He couldn’t give less of a shit about playing hockey anymore but he still goes out there because the team needs him. Game starts at 10:15 at night, he’ll leave the house at 10 after and show up just as your team is already down by 3-4 goals. Then he’ll hop on the ice, treat it like the dance floor at the prom, make a whole bunch of people look like idiots, score a bunch of goals and then head back home as soon as the game is over. Most likely he’s as high as a kite on the ice too and it really makes you wonder how the fuck some people got to be so good.
7. The Goalie
Have literally never met a normal goalie in my life. Especially not one that shows up for Beer League every week.
h/t BarDown