Middle Schooler Facing Assault And Battery With A Weapon Charges For Throwing A Baby Carrot At Her Teacher

HENRICO COUNTY, Va. — A 14-year old girl could be charged with assault and battery after she threw a baby carrot at one of her former teachers. School disciplinary documents allege a baby carrot was used as a weapon in an assault and battery of a Moody Middle School teacher. “I don’t even know how to combat the stupidity,” Karrie May, whose 14-year-old daughter Aliya is currently suspended for launching the vegetable, said. May said her daughter has been out of school for a month. “I don’t understand this,” May said. “Yes, it happened, and I can see a couple of days in school detention or even a couple days out-of-school suspension. But this goes way beyond that. We have to go to court, and her charges aren’t small: assault and battery with a weapon.” Aliya said she left class and saw a teacher she had last year in the hallway. So, as a joke, she said she reached for a baby carrot she had stashed at lunch and tossed it towards the teacher, never thinking she’d hit her in the forehead. 

Nope not an overreaction at all.  This is the correct ruling. Take her to court and throw the book at her.  We can’t have middle schoolers launching high-powered weapons such as baby carrots at teachers.  What’s next? We gonna let kids with Muslim-sounding names bring clocks into school? If you don’t think about it too hard, baby carrots are pretty much bullets. They’re both small and compact and both can rip through human flesh if hurled at a person’s head.  This was a dangerous situation to be sure. That teacher is lucky to be alive.  You know what a baby carrot looks like.  You know what a bullet looks like.  The two are almost impossible to tell apart. I hope they give this middle school girl the electric chair. Nay, death by baby carrots. Just have people hurl those dangerous hunks of vegetable at her until she’s dead. It’ll be a quick death. We can’t have people like her walking the streets.

They even measured the carrot

Almost two inches!  That’s basically a missile! That can do some real damage if used correctly (right?).

And to finish this off, we go to CBS 6’s legal expert Todd Stone for the stupidest thing a person has ever uttered

“If it’s a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive,” said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone. “But if it’s a raw carrot, you don’t have to have an injury or show you were hurt to prove a battery. It just has to be an offensive, vindictive touch. That’s what the law says.”