I Am The Ugliest Sleeper That Has Ever Existed

You know in movies when after a night of torrid lovemaking, they’ll cut to the morning as one lover stares adorably at their mate, watching them sleep? That will never happen to me.

I mean what the fuck is that, bro? Get it together. I’m the most disgusting sleeper that has ever existed on earth. Look at that gullet! Am I a stork? Am I pregnant in my fucking face? That is grotesque. It’s not just that I’m a fat sleeper, either. I’m a loud sleeper. I snore to shake the earth. I grunt and growl and cough and choke and stop breathing. I’m such a gross sleeper that after tons of complaints I actually went and got a sleep apnea test. Cost me around 2,000 bucks and they didn’t discover shit. Just had three nurses watch me sleep all night then essentially told me, “Yeah there’s nothing medically wrong with you but that was fucking horrible,” in the morning.

That’s why I’m so team “don’t take pictures or video of sleeping people” it’s incredible. I don’t need to see this shit, man. It’s like tanning your back or working out your legs. My bathroom mirror covers the front of my upper body. That’s all I’m ever going to see so I can’t be self conscious about the rest. Don’t film me and reveal what goes on behind the curtain. I don’t need to lay awake at night worrying about the monster I turn into when I hit REM cycle. I’m not exactly a prize when I’m conscious but this shit is unbearable. I don’t want to live with this kind of knowledge. Grosses me the fuck out, man. Gross. I am a gross man.