Taylor Swift Dumped Calvin Harris Because He Gets Happy Ending Massages

(Source) — Taylor Swift just got some fresh material for her next album! RadarOnline.com has learned that the singer has dumped her DJ boyfriend of roughly six months, Calvin Harris, after he was caught leaving a Thai massage parlor! But rather than come clean about what really happened, the insider claimed, “He lied to her. He gave some bullish*t excuse that his masseuse was sick and he needed his shoulder worked on.”

First of all, this isn’t cheating. It really isn’t. Everyone knows I love Taylor, and I’d probably love nothing more than for her and Calvin to break up so she’s single and putting out bangers again, but the fact of the matter is that I’d be doing the male species a disservice if I kept my mouth shut and let this happen. Stop being so stuck up, Taylor. A thai massage that ends with a handjob is in no way, shape or form cheating. It’s basically porn. There’s no emotional connection, no love, just some hard dick. It’s jerking off before you go to bed, only someone else is doing it for you. I know that whole “my sex organ is getting jerked off by another person” thing sounds like cheating, but it just is not. I think you’d have to get one to understand it. There’s nothing sexual about a happy ending handjob. It’s much more a cow getting milked than it is some hot sex.

But, Calvin, let’s also not pretend that you’re innocent here. “My masseuse is sick and I needed to get my shoulder worked on” is the WORST excuse for getting caught coming out of a Thai massage parlor. I mean the WORST. You basically just have to own that and say, “Yeah I was in the mood for a handjob, sorry.” No person in history, definitely no rich person, has ever been like “Ya know my shoulder’s been in a lot of pain recently. I’m gonna go to the seedy massage parlor with the neon lights and sex workers.” Of course Taylor wasn’t going to believe that shit.