Artie Lange Looking Better Than Ever In His Match.com Profile Pic

You know you’ve got it all when your main chin has eaten your other chins. Legit question, how is Artie Lange still breathing on his own? I’ll chalk up him being alive to some sort of divine intervention that a higher power believes the world needs his great humor. But there’s no scientific reason after 47 years of excessive gluttony, drugs, and amazingly bad decisions (read this article here about how nobody’s allowed to wear a seat belt in his car even though he goes Ludicrous Speed through neighborhoods) why Artie isn’t at least dragging around one of those oxygen tanks. Actually, he probably should be, anyways. By the looks of him there’s no way he can do a battle with a flight of stairs without keeling over. The insulin pen is a good start. I suppose that’s what happens when you consistently hammer money on the Giants. You lose in life (even those he’s won more than I, and you, ever will in that category).