Florida Man Invents a Toilet Testicle Holder So His Huge Sack Doesn't Dip Into the Water

South Florida Business Journal — Enter Vladimir Laurent. The Coral Springs insurance executive received a patent Tuesday for a device meant to prevent men’s genitalia from touching the bottom of the toilet bowl. Laurent is now the proud holder of U.S. Patent # 9,145,667 B1, which protects the intellectual property for a “toilet sanitary shield for male genitalia.” According to the anatomically, er, correct drawings submitted with the patent application, the device is basically a plastic cup that holds hanging body parts up and away from the bottom of a toilet bowl when squatting. The cup is attached to a suction mechanism that keeps it in place and can rotate through the clever use of a ball-and-socket joint.

“It’s a hygienic product,” Laurent told the South Florida Business Journal in an exclusive interview. “It’s a home product and it’s designed for a specific need, for something that I felt was needed, personally.” Laurent says he and other partners have invested between $25,000 and $30,000 on developing the product, and that it does have real life applications in the medical field. “As of now, I have taken some samples to some hospitals and they’ve shown interest,” Laurent said. He said the next step now that he’s secured a patent will be to begin mass production, which an undisclosed factory in Broward County has been contracted to begin two weeks from now. Laurent said he expects an initial production run to pump out 24,000 devices, which he has baptized (awesomely we might add) as “The Shield.” The product will sell in bulk, but will average a sales price of 90 cents per device, Laurent said.

*Chick at patent office immediately calls boyfriend to break up over his puny balls*

You know when you see an invention and you say to yourself, “Man, I could have thought of that. That’s so simple and everybody has X problem that this invention solves…” This is not one of those times. Never in a billion years would I be worrying about the market share for a toilet nut holder. It hadn’t even crossed my brain to consider that there are guys out there depth testing toilets accidentally. But now that I know that it’s an issue? This makes perfect sense. Toilet water is horrifying. I don’t even know how these giant sack guys were living without this invention. If your nuts are so big they fall into public toilets you should be able to file for disability. The wheelchair guy in the office gets the special stall with the bar so he can get on and off the toilet. Giant sack guys should get super deep toilets with low water levels. If you can’t poop in peace and with dry balls, you’re not getting the same quality of life as the rest of us. That’s a fact.

In lieu of federally mandated toilets for guys with giant nuts we should all check out the big brain on Vlad. Every other guy with this issue in history has just said, “Awwww, nuts” and lived the rest of their pathetic life lifting their boys up off the surface of the water with one hand while they shit. If they threw another hand up in the air and had Chipotle for lunch it would look like they were riding a bull. But that rodeo life ain’t for Vlad. He sacked up and raised enough money to get his invention patented and manufactured. That’s the beauty of America, people. No dream is too big, even if your nuts are.

P.S. There’s a solid chance Vlad is just trying to get the word out about his huge nuts, right? Dick isn’t small. Nuts are just big. Do you even art? It’s a perspective thing. Way to get out in front of the story, Vlad