Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – Rivalry Week!
Sam’s Weekend Soccer Preview – Rivalry Week!
Hi haters,
Did you miss me? Of course you did.
“Fuck off, Sam, real football is on. We don’t need your silly little pansy sport to keep us semi-entertained anymore.”
Maybe wear a helmet next time, bud
Fair enough, if you have already proactively decided to remain a mouth-breather your whole life then I won’t stop you. You know who also hated soccer? Homo neanderthalensis, and things seem to have worked out pretty well for him.
“Bruh”
I kid, I kid, so here’s the fact of the matter: soccer and real football can coexist perfectly peacefully – even happily, if you’ll let them. For one thing, as the old saying goes, you literally cannot “drink all day” if you don’t start while watching Chelsea versus Everton on Saturday morning at 6:45am CT. That’s just a fact.
Think of it like this: soccer can be the appetizer – a fine cheese and meat dish, if you will – to your main course of filet of football every Saturday and Sunday afternoon from here until the end of the year. Cool? Cool. Glad we agree. Now let’s move on to the weekend ahead (which, by way of foreshadowing things, include some HUGE marquee matchups in England, Spain, Italy and – wait for it – Ar-hen-tina)… and now away we go!
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
It has been a couple weeks since last the EPL has graced us with its presence so here is a look at the last batch of results…
…and some reminders of the various storylines worth keeping an eye on:
– City spent almost THREE TIMES as much as the next more profligate club this summer. Based on that alone you could make an argument that winning just one trophy this season would be a bit of a disappointment (note: the Cap One Cup doesn’t count… unless of course Spurs win it.)
– The first four games of the 2015-16 season has featured some incredible feats of offensive ineptitude, particularly from the likes of United (3 goals), Arsenal (3 goals) and Liverpool (2 goals). That means the three clubs have combined to score a grand total of eight goals so far. West Ham has scored nine goals. Do the math on that.
Somehow, Welbeck is to blame
– While we’re at it, can we all take a moment, bow our heads, and think about the fact the Reds have managed to eke out SEVEN points from FOUR games while scoring TWO goals?! Brendan Rodgers must have sold his soul to the devil.
#NoFilter
– Chelsea has stumbled out of the gate, including an embarrassing 3-0 loss at City and an even more distressing 2-1 loss at home to Crystal Palace. The Blues next two games are by no means gimmes – away to Everton then home to Arsenal – meaning there is a chance Jose Mourinho could legitimately lose his marbles on live television at some point this month.
– Know who hasn’t stumbled? The aforementioned Palace and wee Lester. Kudos to the relative pipsqueaks for defying the odds. (And don’t look now but Lester welcomes Villa to King Power Stadium this weekend… my advice: enjoy the good life while you can, Foxes.) Notably, aside from those two clubs, Chelsea and woebegone Tottenham (and arguably Stoke), the two halves of the table have more or less begun to shake themselves out a bit.
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Now everybody is up to speed on what’s what, so let’s look at the games we got coming up this weekend:
The highlight of which is of course…
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PICKS OF THE WEEK
United (-110)
Liverpool (+325)
Draw (+240)
United versus Liverpool is a rivalry that has spanned decades, and involves two of the most decorated clubs in all the (Eng)land, with the Red Devils picking up in the 1990s right where the Reds had recently left off as the league’s single most dominant force. The ‘darby’ has been further stoked by the close proximity of the two cities, which are only an hour apart by car and has fomented plenty of neighborly animosity.
More recently the Arsenal’s, Chelsea’s, City’s and Totten— bahhhhhhahaha, nahhhh, just Arsenal’s, Chelsea’s and City’s of the world have ascended into the uppermost echelon of the league, while Liverpool (whose fans are insanely sensitive about this) have – 2013-14 aberration aside – fallen back a bit into the mid-upper echelon also inhabited by good-but-definitely-never-great Spurs.
I can already see the butthurtedness… but let’s call a spade a space here, LFC fans
But enough about geography and ancient history.
This week’s game could go one of two ways: either United – more or less at full strength (including De Gea in net) and at home – will come out and dominate, signaling that they may indeed be a force to be reckoned with this season, or Liverpool – missing Sturridge up top plus Henderson and Coutinho (and likely Lallana) in the heart of midfield – will somehow find a way to hang around and perhaps even nick a draw. The latter scenario would be a horrible sign for the Red Devils as this is a game that they simply have to win to be in the title talk. Liverpool, if you couldn’t tell, essentially has little to lose still being down some important puzzles pieces and playing on the road.
From a more tactical perspective, I have little faith in Lucas’ ability to control the center of the field, nor his (or Milner/Can’s) to work well with a front line of Benteke and (likely) Danny Ings, who have yet to see much of the field together. The big question is whether United can find a way through the Reds’ surprisingly stout backline. My bet is that they can. United to win 2-0 – LOCK OF THE WEEK.
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Sunderland (+300)
Tottenham (-115)
Draw (+250)
Tottenham head to Sunderland on Sunday in a borderline must-win game for the road team after enduring what has been an incredibly frustrating start to the season. Despite sitting in 16th position on 3 points and without a win from four games, Spurs feel incredibly hard done by after taking leads in three games (before squandering them all) and losing 0-1 on an own goal. Point being, the club is in better form than the record would suggest, and the addition of Son Heung-min and return of Christian Eriksen will mean Spurs are far too much for Sunderland. Shouts to (and prayers for) my boy BaeAndre Yedlin, but the Black Cats are in trouble this weekend. Spurs to win 4-1.
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Arsenal (-375)
Stoke (+1100)
Draw (+425)
Stoke has had a rough go of it so far this season, losing drawable games against Liverpool and West Brom, and drawing a winnable game against Norwich (while managing to draw a losable game against Spurs, because of course). Doesn’t get any easier this weekend with a trip to the Emirates to face a (for them) relatively healthy Arsenal. The Gunners are still likely in shock at Arsene Venger’s decision not to bring in another much-needed striker, but with Giroud and Sanchez (and a healthy Coquelin in DM) they should have enough speed to handle Stoke, particularly if the visitors are without first-choice striker Mama Biram Diouf. Arsenal to win 2-0.
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Upset alert: City (-160) have been flying so far this season with four wins in four games, including a grand total of ZERO goals conceded, which is pretty good. That being said, the Sky Blues will be without the world’s most athletic chinchilla (and the club’s relatively unsung hero), David Silva, meaning this weekend’s trip to visit high-flying Crystal Palace (+450) could be a surprisingly tricky test given Kevin De Bruyne’s lack of familiarity with teammates. Not saying I absolutely love the Eagles to win, particularly if striker Conner Wickham ends up not being fit, but given those incredibly charitable odds you’d be a sucker not to dabble at least a little bit. I’ll go with Palace to win 2-1.
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BUNDESLIGA
Bayern are of course going to be on TV on Saturday morning, as are Bayer Leverkusen, though neither game looks to be all that competitive, while the potentially better matchup involving Wolsburg/Ingolstadt will not. Alas. Thus, the two fixtures on Sunday morning look a little tastier, though the Schalke/Mainz game will undoubtedly be relegated to DVR given the impending start of the NFL season.
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BEST OF THE REST
LA LIGA: Last season (and not for the first time) the Spanish league consisted of Real Madrid and Barcelona, then everybody else. This time around, not so much thanks in part to the re-emergence of clubs like Atletico Madrid and Sevilla. Atleti get their first shot to show they are indeed for real against the Catalans on Saturday at 2:30pm ET (on beIN Sports). Check it out.
SERIE A: Inter versus AC Milan on Sunday (2:45pm ET on beIN Sports). Do yourself a favor and DVR it.
Argentina: “The Superclasico” pitting hated rivals River Plate and Boca Juniors – with Carlos Tevez! – is on Sunday (5:15pm ET), though you would have to (a) not be watching NFL and (b) be prepared to watch on YouTube.
MLS: New England travels to Toronto on Sunday afternoon (5pm ET on ESPN2) in a game with important playoff implications. No conflict with the Patriots or Argonauts so perhaps a couple people may watch.
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So there you have it: the best weekly soccer preview that Barstool will ever publish this week. And in case you haven’t quite gotten enough of me just yet, I’ve got some good news about next week: it’s the first matchday of CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GROUP STAGE, meaning so many games that even my head is spinning right now thinking about them… City vs Juventus; Roma vs Barça; United vs PSV – the list goes on and on. Check ya Tuesday.
Soccer porn
Holler,
Sam U.L. Army