This Color Coded Map Describing Different Parts Of Massachusetts Is So Spot-On It Hurts. BONUS - Hoodmaps Breakdowns Of NYC, Chicago, and Cleveland
This thing right here is a masterpiece.
Most maps care about roads and rivers. This one cares about shit you mutter to yourself in the car when you miss your exit.
It is not about counties, its about stereotypes. Which, in New England, count as official documentation and are basically legally binding.
This has been making the rounds of Masshole twitter the last 48 hours, and honestly, whoever doctored up these captions hit it out of the park. Let's take a lap around the good old Bay State, giving the most honest tour of New England ever.
The North
Cows
Way up top above Western Mass, what some might call Vermont you got "Cows". That is the whole shabang. No Starbucks. No sidewalks. Just barns, mud, and kids in Carhartt who can fix tractors with duct tape and a YouTube video.
Gay hippies
Slide east a little and you hit "Gay hippies". This is the UVM heartland. It is basically Ben & Jerry’s in human form. Subarus with every cause imaginable on the bumper, flannels, pronouns in the bio, and thirty different kinds of hummus in the fridge.
Pumpkins and anarchists
Head east in New Hampshire and we are in the land of "Pumpkins and anarchists". Around these parts it is permanently October.
Every porch has a carved gourd, and every town meeting has one guy screaming about zoning laws while sipping small-batch cider out of a mason jar. It's quaint but the people here never let you forget their license plates say "Live Free or DIE" on them for a reason.
Republican refugee zone
Then it flips hard into the "Republican refugee zone". That is where people go when they want zero taxes, six ATVs, and a Facebook page where they post nothing but Constitution and founding father memes while lounging in a hot tub.
Tax-free shopping
Right below that is "Tax-free shopping"-ville. This is the pilgrimage site. Here they legit have liquor warehouses the size of Gillette, and outlet malls packed with Mass plates flying over the border to save eight dollars on a flatscreen.
Vacation & Lobstahs
Off the coast, you get "Vacation & Lobstahs". Maine. If you're lucky and they got it like that, your parents rent a cottage, you fall in love with one lobster roll that costs your entire allowance, and the whole town closes down at like 8 p.m. And don't let Hampton Beach fool you.
Beaches with killer flies
That little red strip is "Beaches with killer flies."
It looks absolutely gorgeous in photos. But in real life you are being physically attacked by insects that I swear are actually attracted to Off bug repellant.
The Western Edge
Definitely NOT New England
To the west, you have "Definitely NOT New England." Upstate New York. Everyone that lives there owns three Adirondacks hoodies and will fistfight you if you suggest they really shouldn't be Yankees fans because they're technically closer to Boston and Toronto than they are NYC.
Cultured Hill-Folk
Cross the border into western Massachusetts and you are in the land of the "Cultured Hill-Folk".
AKA the Berkshires.
Rich city people LARPing as rugged mountain folk between trips to Tanglewood and farm-to-table brunch. A really special place.
Hippie farmers
Next patch west we reach the "Hippie farmers".
They farm everything. Kale, weed, and lengthy explanations. While driving through here, be forewarned that if you stop at a roadside stand to buy eggs, you will somehow leave with a TED Talk on Monsanto.
Hippie students
Below that is "Hippie students." UMass, Amherst, Northampton. Every third person living here is in a band and a co-op and some non-traditional relationship structure. Book it. The entire local economy is comprised of thrift stores, burritos, and vape cartridges.
Blight & Basketball
Head south from Umass and you get nothing but "Blight & Basketball."
Springfield.
Honestly the saddest place I've personally ever been. Respectfully speaking of course.
This is (somehow) home of the Basketball Hall of Fame and has way more Dunkins than functioning traffic lights. You come here once for a school field trip and once to buy a sketchy used car off craigslist and then hopefully never again.
Annexed Territory of the Evil Empire
Farther south is "Annexed Territory of the Evil Empire."
Yankee land. Technically New England, but spiritually this is the visitors dugout at Fenway. YES Network is the default here. NESN is not available.
Hell
Under that, with the arrow, is Hell. AKA New York City. Amazing food, elite nightlife, plus traffic, crime, and prices that will make you question every life choice you have ever made.
Central Mass
THERE BE DRAGONS HERE
Right in the middle of Massachusetts, there is apparently a map just says "THERE BE DRAGONS HERE". That is is cute and the person who made this map made me chuckle with that one. My take is that that is just a polite way of saying, “No one outside 495 can name a single town in this area.”
Snow and long commutes (oh yeah and Worcester)
Next to that is "Snow and long commutes (oh yeah and Worcester)."
That is where you spend half your life shoveling and the other half parked on the Pike wondering why you have not moved to literally anywhere else. Worcester gets tossed in like an afterthought, which is exactly how the state treats it. Personally, I would have gone with Timberlands, Polo hats, DUIs, and heroine, but that's just me.
The Suburban Ring
Leafy, Liberal, and Loaded
To the east is "Leafy, Liberal, and Loaded."
Every single driveway without fail has a Volvo or Tesla parked in it, every yard has a rainbow or BLM sign, and every dad has a LinkedIn headline longer than the Old Testament.
Mill Towns & Methadone
Up north is "Mill Towns & Methadone." The dozens and dozens of red brick factories scattered in every town here used to power the Industrial Revolution. Now they are half loft apartments with Edison bulbs and half settings for your cousin’s relapse story. And the women resemble the sisters in The Fighter. It's uncanny.
Boston And Friends
Townies & Immigrants
Around the harbor you hit what is essentially Plymouth Rock for "Townies & Immigrants". We're talkin triple-deckers, laundry on porches, and every grandmother lives on a block with four official languages and eight pizza spots. (And they're all named "something House Of Pizza")
Every bar has a framed picture of someone’s cousin who "almost" made the Bruins.
Commies
Cross the river and you are in The People's Republic of Cambridge, aka "Commies".
This is Cambridge and Somerville. Home to elite educational institutions and people who pay four grand a month to share a house with six roommates and then spend their free time arguing about bus lanes on Twitter. Special place.
The Hub of the Universe
At the center of everything, literally, the little red speck, is "The Hub of the Universe". That is downtown Boston baby.
Six streets, all one way, and not one going where you need.
Ask anyone from there, and you would think they invented democracy and seafood. The most overly self-confident people you will ever encounter.
North Shore
Witches, fishermen, and quaint-ass towns
Up in the northeast, along the north shore you have Witches, Fishermen, and quaint-ass towns. We're talkling Salem, Gloucester, Rockport. Half tourists filming witch TikToks, half people who have been on boats since age nine and hate your fucking rental car and tourist ass being in their town.
(Sidebar- if I had one bone to pick with this map maker, it would be how do you leave "roast beef sandwiches" off the Northshore? They practically invented the damn thing.)
The South And Southeast
Gillette Stadium
Head south of Boston and there is a giant blue blob labeled "Gillette Stadium."
Foxboro, Walpole, Sharon, Route 1, whatever. It all merges into one massive parking lot where people grill in a snowstorm to watch the Pats play for 3 hours so they can get back in their cars and wait 5 hours to get out of the parking lot.
Irish Riviera(r)
Slide east from there and you're into the "Irish Riviera(r)."
South Shore beaches where every other family name starts with O’. The bars pour Guinness year round, and half the town migrates to Florida from January to March like pale Catholic geese.
Cranberry Bogs
Below that is "Cranberry Bogs". Depending on the month, you either get beautiful Hallmark scenery or the most depressing stretch of Route 28 you have ever white-knuckled through. No in between.
West Portugal
Hugging the coast here you hit "West Portugal." Here is the land of John Feitelberg- New Bedford and Fall River.
Unreal Portuguese food, Ronaldo jerseys hanging in every bar. If the Brazilian mafia is a thing, this is their base.
Rotaries & Traffic jams
Then you smash into "Rotaries & Traffic jams". Braintree, Weymouth, all the ramps where civil engineers just gave up. You've never seen anything more chaotic in your life. Don't even bother attempting to drive without pissing somebody else off. It's impossible.
Connecticut And Rhode Island
Questionably New England
Western Connecticut is "Questionably New England" according to this map. Yes, I agree, it looks like New York, claims New England, and basically lives at Target. These people make me sick. They will wear a Yankees hat on Saturday, and then a Pats jersey on Sunday.
Pretty New England
Eastern Connecticut is "Pretty New England." Which is fair. Here you have covered bridges, and farm stands as far as the eye can see. And parents who still send handwritten Christmas cards with a family newsletter no one asked for. ("What's your mailing address?")
People who talk weirder and drive worse than us
Then you hit Rhode Island, aka Rhody- formally titled "People who talk weirder and drive worse than us". I love this one so much. The artist couldn't have been more correct. Been saying it my whole life. Bostonians get made the most fun of, but the Rhode Island accent sounds like Boston and Long Island got in a bar fight. It's wild.
(Sidebar- Every on-ramp is a fight for life. And I'm pretty sure newborn infants come out of the womb with a Pall Mall in their fingers asking for a light)
Cape & Islands
White Florida
Cross the Bourne Fasoli bridge and you are in "White Florida". Older couples, golf carts, and guys whose entire personality is knowing the tide chart. Plus the best fried seafood you will ever have in your life.
Wahm beaches
The next zone is "Wahm beaches." This is "the family Cape". Here you'll find plenty of moms in big hats yelling at their translucent children to "Put more sunscreen on" while the kids house Del's lemonade. (I am fucking obsessed with Del's)
Wicked cold beaches
Curl around the arm and you get "Wicked cold beaches". The water is about 38 degrees in August. On a good day. You go in once, lose feeling in your legs, and then insist it was "so refreshing" while your teeth chatter out of your skull.
Gaycationland
At the very tip is "Gaycationland." Provincetown. Drag brunch, rainbow flags, paintings you can't afford, and nightlife that makes straight people look like they have never had fun correctly in their lives. (Fun fact - I saw my first over-the-pants handjob here when I was like 6 while waiting in line for ice cream behind a group of guys and am still in therapy all these years later.)
The White Caribbean
Finally the islands- "The White Caribbean."
Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard.
Everything costs triple or quadruple, and you will still happily pay it just to post one sunset from here, and pretend you have a boat.
This map hits all the marks because every New Englander secretly agrees with it. We will talk trash endlessly about each other all day, Cows vs Cranberry Bogs vs Commies, but the second someone from outside the six-state bubble opens their mouth, we close ranks like the Battle of The Bastards.
BONUS -
This isn't anything new, but there's still a decent number of people out there who have never heard of "Hoodmaps".
If you want to kill some time around the post-Thanksgiving dinner table this week, pull this baby up and pull up your city. Zoom in, neighborhood by neighborhood, and watch hilarity ensue.
Here are a few of the best - Enjoy
Boston -
Chicago -
New York -
