Two Texas Men Thwarted In Outrageous Alleged Plot To Conquer A Haitian Island With An Army of Homeless, Kill All The Men, And Enslave The Women & Children
NPR – Two men from North Texas have been charged over violent plans that included an armed coup on the Haitian island of Gonave, according to the Justice Department.
Gavin Weisenburg, 21 years old of Allen, and Tanner Thomas, 20 years old of Argyle, along with other co-conspirators planned to murder all men on the Haitian territory before taking over the island, and enslaving the women and children as "sex slaves," according to an indictment filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Texas on Thursday.
"The co-conspirators conducted research, reconnaissance, recruiting, planning, and sought training to effectuate their plan," the indictment reads. "It was the goal of the conspiracy to take military control of the Island of Gonave by murdering all the men on the island and capturing all the women."
At what point does something go from something we can all laugh at, to something we actually have to take seriously? Am I really meant to believe that the Haitian island of Gonave was at any point in danger of being overthrown by 21-year old Gavin Weisenburg, and 20-year old Tanner Thomas of the greater Dallas, Texas area? The plot is so outrageous... these two idiots were SO FAR AWAY from achieving any part of their plan... so beyond unequipped to ever pull something like this off... I refuse to believe this ever crossed over into the "we have to take this seriously" realm.
Imagine relying on an army of homeless people to carry out a coup.
The men also plotted to recruit and hire homeless people from Washington, D.C., to overthrow Haiti's government on Gonave, according to prosecutors. In March, Thomas changed his assignment from Ramstein Air Base in Germany to Joint Base Andrews in Maryland to facilitate homeless recruitment in the nation's capital, the indictment alleges. A spokesperson for the U.S. Air Force did not respond on Sunday to an NPR request for comment on Thomas' military service.
Do you know how insanely smart/strong/organized/likable/persuasive/everything-in-the-world-these-guys-aren't to organize an army of homeless people? I sure don't. But I'm guessing it's a really, really hard thing to do. I'm supposed to pretend that these kids from Texas, one of whom isn't old enough to drink, were going to galvanize an army of homeless, get them all pulling in the same direction, and work together to overthrow a foreign island with a population of 87,000 people? The homeless are a notoriously uncontrollable people. Perhaps the most uncontrollable brand of people in the game. As if this army of homeless wouldn't turn on Gavin and Tanner the second they turned their backs. There's no world where Gavin and Tanner are able to successfully carry out their perverse sexual fantasies on the people of Gonave, before their own army of deranged homeless carry out their perverse sexual fantasies on them. They'd have surely turned Gavin and Tanner into Swiss cheese before they made it off the cape.
People don't come much more pathetic than these guys. It's one thing to have horrible fucked up fantasies. But at least Hitler was competent. These guys are being charged with having all the terrible Hitler-esque thoughts, but none of the acumen to carry them out. Which is a very good thing for the world. Gavin's big idea to get himself all trained up for their "mission" was to enroll in the North Texas Fire Academy. Apparently he thought learning to fight fires would prepare him to conquer Gonave. He failed out of the program after six months.
Weisenburg in August 2024 enrolled in the North Texas Fire Academy in Rockwall, Texas, to train for the coup, but failed out of the program nearly six months later, according to the indictment.
I suppose Tanner managed to enlist in the U.S. Air Force. Which isn't nothing. But it was less than a year before he was found out. I'm willing to bet he wasn't a star airman.
And for the final cherry on top, just to give you an even further idea of how not remotely close/capable these two were, they didn't have the self-control to achieve a single step of their plan before being hit with 30-years of child pornography charges.
Both men are charged with conspiracy to kill or kidnap persons in a foreign country and face one count of producing child pornography. They could face life in prison if convicted on the conspiracy charge. The child pornography charge carries up to a 30-year prison sentence.
Not even part of the plan. They just also allegedly dabbled in child pornography.
The fact that these two actually made it far enough to be charged with conspiracy is kind of astonishing. They're just the perfect level of incompetent. It's fascinating stuff, really. Honestly, if the cops really wanted to teach them a lesson, they should have just let them embark on their mission. If Gavin and Tanner weren't killed by their own homeless army within an hour of setting sail, whatever the good people of Haiti had waiting for them probably would have been worse. What made these guys think they could take on 87,000 Haitians? Like the Haitians aren't going to ban together and take them for all they're worth. Gavin and Tanner don't have the numbers. They don't know the land. The people living on that island would probably love nothing more than for a couple of assholes to pull up on a sailboat full of supplies. Give the Haitians half a day, and they'll have commandeered the sailboat, all their food, all their money, all their weapons, and all their homeless. It would take all of 5 minutes for the homeless army to realize they were outnumbered, and immediately switch sides. Best case scenario for Gavin and Tanner is that the Haitians take mercy on them, and allow them to live out the rest of their days as slaves.
Have fun is prison, boys.