That Time I Was Cucked By Ken Burns

Large11/12/2025 9:45 PM

Ken Burns is a 72-year-old American filmmaker renowned for his documentaries, many of which chronicle the history and culture of the United States. Burns's films have earned two Academy Award nominations, and his series have won several Emmy Awards.

And I also think he wants to bang my wife.

We were fortunate to have Ken in NYC HQ this week to discuss his newest project, The American Revolution, a 6-part series that outlines everything you need to know about… Well… The American Revolution.

Carl Timpone. Shutterstock Images.

And that is what Ken does best… Whereas other documentaries about grand subjects are just as intriguing but often seem "unfinished," a Ken Burns documentary does not let you go until you have a complete understanding of the subject at hand.

We throw the word "genius" around way too flippantly in today's society, so I don't think that word sums up just how extraordinarily smart this sonofabitch really is.

What I can tell you is that Barstool has provided me with the opportunity to interview hundreds of athletes and celebrities since I joined in 2018, and there have been only 3 times that I felt like the dumbest person in the room.

The first was when I sat down with Jim Lampley… Mr Lampley is a fucking national treasure, as far as I am concerned. And, as a life-long boxing fan, I worship at his altar of pugilistic knowledge.

The second was when I sat down to talk food with Andrew Zimmern. It was embarrassing to throw out food stories of my own at Andrew during the course of our conversation, only to have exponentially more interesting food stories thrown back in my fucking face. He didn't do it on purpose. He has just led a considerably more interesting culinary life than 99% of the people walking into SUBWAY today for their $5 footlongs on steamed bread.

And the third was Ken Burns… This latest documentary of his was 12 hours long (in 6 installments), and I assumed that a guy as successful as Burns would have a gigantic team of researchers and producers toiling away to make a film series that he would only partially help out with but completely take credit for… But that is just not true. At 72 years old, this fucking guy was intimate with every aspect and character in those 12 hours, and equally knowledgeable about the other 100+ hours of Americana that were left on the cutting room floor.

If you appreciate genius, listening to Ken talk about his work is something you will enjoy immensely.

But here's the most intriguing part of the blog—the part where I explain the title and that sentence I threw in above, glibly… "And I also think he wants to bang my wife."

When Mr Burns came to visit, he didn't have any time constraints. We didn't rush him into a podcast studio and finish our interview before a predetermined time. As a result, we got to casually discuss things that had nothing to do with the project he was promoting. Ultimately, that led to talking about our families.

Annie and I have three kids… Ken has four.

Annie and I have 2 boys and a very expensive girl… Ken has four equally costly girls.

But here is where our roads diverged…

Annie and I have been happily married for 27 years… Ken has not.

Which is not to say Ken wasn't wildly in love with either of his ex-wives… But it is to say that Annie and I have him beat for single-marriage longevity, and I made sure he knew it.

It was one of the few times in our conversation where I felt I may have "one-upped" my guest. But he immediately replied that he is even better of a father after guiding his girls through his two divorces. And then this bastard had the audacity to recommend that my wife up her parenting game by divorcing me.

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It was said jokingly, of course, but the way he had put his hand on her knee while he said it made me realize that the chair I was sitting in for our interview had immediately been transformed into a cuck chair, and it made me feel this small…

And to add insult to injury, my wife went along with the whole bit. So we began the interview with a discomfort that was palpable… To only me.

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Don't get me wrong, I always knew Annie went for older guys with HUGE vocabularies, but I wasn't aware this bitch was willing to go barking up an Emmy-winning tree that was planted 20 years before mine.

I was tempted to get defensive because, although I am not the type to defend anyone's honor (including my own), I was certain that my size and age advantage could easily turn this award-winning documentarian into a pint glass filled with dust if push came to shove.

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And my kids are all older now, but while I should've been listening to this legend wax profane about the 13 colonies, I instead spent most of the interview concocting the "sometimes mommies and daddies fall out of love" speech I was going to have to tell my children after Annie left me for this charismatic walking encyclopedia.

When the interview was over, Ken, Annie, Vibbs, John Kelly, and I took a promotional picture in our lobby, and Ken insisted that my wife stand next to him. Another fucking alpha move that left me stunned and emasculated.

Was the hand on the shoulder really necessary, Ken?… And where the fuck is my wife's left hand?!?!

After the photo, he casually strolled out of our office, leaving behind a wake of emotional damage… Again, to nobody but me.

Annie and I haven't spoken since this all went down, as she continues to pretend that she wasn't within an inch of leaving me for a devilishly handsome historian. Instead of coming clean, this potentially unfaithful bitch is pretending like it was all in my head.

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And perhaps it was.

But I still urge you to watch the full interview to see if you pick up on Ken's subtly macho cues. And I also urge you to be very VERY careful if you ever have the honor of meeting Ken in person. Because the Ken Burns Effect may be "a type of panning and zooming used in film production from non-consecutive still images," but there is now also a lesser-known Ken Burns Affect where Ken Burns comes into your workplace and totally destroys your marriage.