The Saddest NFL Stats Of Week 1
Welcome to season four of NFL Sad Stats. If you've been with me since I started, congratulations. You're like a senior now. Except it's not likely you'll be graduating from this sad metaphoric circle of hard plastic chairs we sit together at every week. You know the ones? With the knife etchings all over, that one severely uneven leg, or missing leg cap that tears a hole in your eardrum every time you so much as switch your crossover leg. The complete afterthoughts they found in whatever abandoned crusty closet when they forget a support meeting was going on and made due fifteen minutes prior.
Sure, you could hate the chair for this. I mean, it's clearly annoying everyone in every way. It's meant for middle schoolers if even that. Arguably a natural wonder of the world it's even holding you up. It's a sad chair. And it's sad like you. In pretty much every way. Like you, it's not the chairs fault, it is what it is. Life made the chair this way. You think you've dealt with assholes in your life? Cross your leg over once more and hear the agony in the story that chair will tell you.
So don't hate the chair. The chair still holds you up even after all it's gone through. Still honoring it's teleologic function. Don't hate this chair. Respect this chair. Look up to this chair. Cherish this chair.
Because you're going to be here a while.
Here are your sad stats for NFL Week 1.
Sad Stat #1: Jalen Carter is officially the fastest man alive... at getting ejected from an NFL game
That's right. Not even the Super Bowl champs are exempt from this sad circle.
In fairness to Jalen - I'm pretty sure this happened after the kickoff which lasted a few seconds, but this is what the API shows so this is what goes. Reminder - NFL players. They can be just as smart as they are classy. And that's not a compliment. And the better they are, the wider the possibility of how "smart and classy" they can be. I'm not sure what the consensus Philly take is here, but I think plenty of you are smart enough to be pissed at Jalen. But for all of you out there whining about Dak spitting first, you belong right here in these sad chairs. Literally every athlete spits. I don't really know why. But they do. And despite the end zone view playing camera tricks, Dak's spit was no where near Jalen. The dude is just a psychopath.
Philly still won at least, but things looked quite rocky for the Super Bowl champs. If not for CeeDee going full Will Fuller with three or four brutal drops, this game was an upset to start the year. Cowboys look feisty this year. Too bad they got rid of Parsons and hired Matt Eberflus. Dak and the offense should be fun though.
Sad Stat #2: Philly and Dallas scored every drive of the first half yet somehow the over still failed
I only found three other games both teams scored on every drive of the first half. Minnesota/Tampa Bay, Week 9 1998 with a paltry 39.5 over hit 27-24 with 17 points in the second half. Green Bay / New Orleans Week 8 2014 (35 point second half) and Miami / New York Jets just last year in Week 14 with 20 second half points.
We saw three Thursday night. And it was the first drive right before the lightning - clearly summoned by the Vegas oddsmakers - took all the fun away.
Sad Stat #3: Spencer Rattler is the first Saints drafted quarterback to start a game for the Saints after his rookie season since Danny Wuerffel in 1999
Obviously, this is a veiled Drew Brees stat. The idea here is no Saints drafted quarterback has produced value to the level of being worth starting after a rookie season. But it's still kinda sad to think the best quarterback this organization has grown themselves since Danny Wuerffel is Spencer Rattler. And his last game with the Saints was right before Y2K. That sentence right there is what this blog is all about. The Saints are just an outsourcing team. I guess it tracks, with New Orleans being a port city and all. Import/export. That's what they do. A regular Art Vandelay.
Honestly though - Rattler played well. Tough drop for Juwan Johnson on a would be game-tying touchdown pass perfectly placed. The Saints have me almost thinking of changing up my survivor pool plans. Then again, it was the Cardinals.
Sad Stat #4: Daniel Jones has more games as a Colt scoring on every drive than Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning combined
That's right. Not even a kneel down which is typical of teams clobbering their opponents. I found 12 games since 1999 in which a team scored on every drive sans end of half kneel downs. Zero without them. We had a few last year including the Washington all field goal game vs Daniel Jones, and the very next Commanders game vs the Bengals, the Dolphins putting it on the Raiders, and Lions on the Jags (both in Week 11). I was already on this before Scott Hansen mentioned it on Red Zone, but Daniel Jones is the only quarterback in modern times that can say this. This isn't just a sad stat for the Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning. Or even the Dolphins. This is a sad stat for the league itself. For the great quarterback quarter-century of Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers, Mahomes, and… I guess… Daniel Jones.
Sad Stat #5: The Browns allowed just 7-yards to the Bengals in the second half in a losing effort
To Joe Burrow. Ja'Marr Chase. Tee Higgins. And new hot shot Chase Brown. The most stacked offense in the NFL. You sir - Cleveland Browns defense - balled out that second half in a close game. Miles Garrett even had two sacks in a row and didn't get a third only because a teammate beat him to it. Just a dazzling display vs - I'll say this again - the most stacked offense in the NFL.
Seriously impressive stuff Browns defense. Now let's see how much you won by…
Sad Stat #6: Andre Szmyt and Tyler Loop kick off their kicking careers by joining the exclusive "kickers who missed an extra point and team lost by 1" club
Why do I feel like the Browns always have kicking issues? Who's running their place kicker scouting? Remember 4th round pick, Cade York?
Szmyt put himself in a blender in his rookie debut about as much as anyone trying to pronounce his name out loud. Forget about the missed field goal. Those happen. Extra points should not. Except they do because I show 113 times this happened in NFL history in a game that team would go on to lose by one, with the first one in 1945. Justin Tucker even did it twice, but I found one poor sap who did this four times.
Ricochet Sad Stat
Chris Bahr. Four-time KWMAEPATLB1 clubber. Week 1, 1978. Week 8, 1979. Week 13, 1981. And Week 6, 1989. Perhaps this all explains his Pro Football Reference nickname:
The Tyler Loop one was is weird because things happened afterwards that changed the course of the scoring with the Bills going for two, then kicking a game-winning field goal, etc. Plus at least he made both his field goals.
Can't say the same for the undrafted scrambled collection of consonants.
Now for the Bengals, this Week 1 win was kind an off-brand breakthrough. Burrow was a frequent Week 1-2 sad stat content contributor for me having gone 1-9 in his career before Sunday. Also must have been like looking at a mirror winning this game the way they did. They were 0-3-1 in their last four games decided by one point or less. And you better believe Evan McPherson was on the sad kicker list from that game last year vs the Chiefs.
The Miami Dolphins - allowers of Daniel Jones to score on every drive - almost hit for the cycle in ways to end a drive without scoring, before ever scoring
Interception. Fumble. Punt. Downs. The four basic ways to end a drive without scoring. The Dolphins did all of these before their garbage time score to prevent the Colts first shutout since 2021 and the Dolphins first time getting shut out since 2021. But if we're being honest here - the Dolphins could have done more of doing nothing. On the board of possible drive endings without a score was still "end of half", and missed field goal (blocked or missed counting as the same). I think… that's it?? Let me know if I'm missing something. Might have to crush some history one of these days to see if anyone did all six.
Sad Stat #7 - Lamar Jackson just had his :13 game, a pain Josh Allen knows all too well
At least it wasn't the playoffs. 98th percentile performance for a losing quarterback is wild. He even had the ever so rare 65-yard 19-yard run.
But it wasn't enough. Nor was Derrick Henry's 169/2. Just an all-time banger of a game. Don't forget who's been telling you for three years now to draft top-ADP quarterbacks in fantasy football!
PROGRAMMING NOTE
So I'll be on a cruise this week through the weekend with extended family. Let me assure you I had some major pull in deciding when such a trip would occur (zero whatsoever). From what I understand, internet is like $25 a day which I'll be paying and is about as reliable as an airplane flying over the dark side of the moon. I've never missed a sad stats week in my three plus seasons here at Barstool. But I'm scared. I tried all the tricks including making my wife watch Poop Cruise to see if this all really a good idea for the kids. Anyway - I'll try my damndest. If that includes asking the pina-colada bars for wifi in Puerto Rico or whatever other islands we're stopping at, so be it.
Who knows. Maybe I'll see Andre Szmyt there.