How Embarrassing! – Mr. Beast Took Exception With His Ranking on a Meaningless "Most Influential Creators" List

For some reason, I wrote a blog semi-defending Mr. Beast the other week. I saw that he had raised $12 million for his water charity, yet the general consensus seemed to be, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING UNDERGROUND PEDOPHILE LOSER YOU WILL BE EXPOSED."

I thought that was maybe a little harsh. I just think it's possible that Mr. Beast generally means well, and wasn't sent by Lucifer himself to destroy the world through annoyingly successful internet content.

But yesterday Mr. Beast took things too far. He tweeted (and deleted) something that finally opened my third eye and helped me realize, "Yep. This guy definitely traffics humans."

Just kidding, it didn't make me think that. But it did make me think that he sucks slightly more than I previously thought.

You know it was a tense few hours at Beast HQ when Mick Jagger first dropped his creator rankings. I'm sure Mr. Beast was all like, "Get a load of this fam! Rock n' roll legends, The Rolling Stones, think this guy with ONLY 1 MILLION FOLLOWERS LMAO is more influential than me! Have they even seen my metrics!? Hahaha at least I'm not mad. I actually think it's funny. I better tweet about it so everyone knows that 😭" 

C'mon Mr. Beast... that's embarrassing. You've been at this internet shit for far longer than I have. You're in it far deeper than pretty much anyone in the world ever will be. But if I've learned one thing from working at Barstool Sports, it's that you never allow yourself to get not mad about your position (or lack thereof) on a meaningless list relative to to someone objectively less successful 

The Second Half of This Blog is Brought to You By: The Tennis Podcast

What must suck the most for Mr. Beast, is that the Barstool Sports (and Caleb Hearon's) of the world have something he doesn't. Which is fans who's daily screen time isn't capped by their parents. That's gotta be frustrating for Beast. He makes all this money, and sees all of these numbers that tell him he's the most popular human being on the fucking planet. But when your content is geared towards... idk kids and the algorithm?... and if you don't really have a personality... then you don't get fans who feel especially connected to you. You get that army of people who are willing to "go to war".

Unfortunately for Beast, 1.6 million fans of genuinely hilarious gay comedian Caleb Hearon bring SO MUCH more firepower than hundreds of million views on a YouTube graph. I had never ever really seen clips of Caleb Heron before this. But now that I have, I'm automatically on his side. Because he can made me laugh with his personality. And he's relatable. Crazy how far that goes.

I don't have any she/they shooters (I wish), but I'm with ya, Caleb. It's not the content of the replies that drive you crazy. It's knowing the person typed that dumb shit out, then smugly sat back in his chair like he's fucking Oscar Wilde. I want to take a trip to the gun store every time someone drops "two things can be true", when prefacing a bit of wisdom that shows off their unique ability to see both sides of a situation. 

Speaking of replies that I hate. And I know I'm asking the impossible here. But I wish just one time, the internet could collectively realize it's way funnier to let someone be wrong than it is to correct them. I wish when people saw Mr. Beast reference 'The Rolling Stones', they'd think to herself "Wow. Mr. Beast might think Keith Richards and Mick Jagger are responsible for Rolling Stone Magazine. Hopefully that lasts for as long as possible?"

Instead of immediately succumbing to their uncontrollable urge to chime in and inform the word that they DO know difference between The Rolling Stones and Rolling Stone.

No, Sarah! God damn it! We all very much DO NOT hope he is aware of that. 

Anyways, as soon as Mr. Beast realized his near-billion silent followers couldn't hold a candle to a million angry she/they baristas, he deleted the tweet and gave a sad apology.

Poor, Mr. Beast. All those followers but none of them willing to mobilize. Was it worth it Mr. Beast? Was it worth becoming a literal billionaire if it means you can't come out on top of completely fucking pointless Twitter arguments? Yeah, I bet not. I can see the egg on your face from here, pal.