Stop Fucking Inviting Me To Your Wedding (Unless I Know Your Middle Name)

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Ahhhh, weddings, also known as adult bar mitzvahs. Back in middle school, nothing got me more fired up than one of my boys’ bar mitzvahs. They were electric. Basically a full blown rager for 13 year olds. The dance floor was always bumping, everyone showed up dressed to the nines, and if you were lucky, you might sneak a sip of alcohol or land a kiss from the girl you’d been texting nonstop. It was the golden era of middle school.

Weddings? Same shit… at first. But then you grow up, move out of state, and suddenly weddings start to feel less like celebrations and more like financial burdens. Unlike bar mitzvahs, I never got tired of those. They were all 15 minutes from my house and my mom gave me the money to put in the box.

Here’s the issue, I have a terrible disease, I can’t say no to fucking anything. Seriously. You send me a wedding invite? I’m RSVP’ing “yes” before I even check my calendar not that my ass would have anything on their anyway but you get the point. That’s why I’m begging you, stop inviting me to your weddings unless we are genuinely close. If I don’t know your middle name, your mom’s name, your dad’s name, or your sister’s name, please don’t send me that invitation.

Why would you want me there anyway? Dead ass. I’m probably going to spend the entire night shamelessly flirting with your cousin who has the gigantic rack. And if it’s during football season? Good luck. I won’t be tuned into your maid of honor speech. I’ll be at the table, head down, locked in on my phone watching whatever game is on. It’s nothing personal, we’re just not that close.

Now, if it’s someone I grew up with? That’s different. If I know your family, if we’ve shared actual life moments together, I’m showing up in my best suit, dancing to every song, and shedding a tear during your vows. But if we haven’t talked in years and I couldn’t pick your parents out of a lineup, what are we doing here? Is this about celebrating love or padding the guest list stat sheet?

Now let’s talk money. Between flights, hotel rooms, tux rentals, and gifts, I’m dropping at least $1,000 to be here. So yeah, I’m going to fully enjoy the open bar, load up on stuffed mushrooms, and try my absolute best to wheel your cousin with the gigantic rack.

So here’s a better idea, text me that you got married, I’ll Venmo you a nice gift, and we’ll both be happier. Please, for the sake of my wallet, my weekends, and your cousin’s dignity, stop inviting me to your wedding.