What Is The Appropriate Punishment For This Rapper Who Stopped Traffic On The Interstate To Film A Music Video?
Stephen A. Smith once proposed that when an athlete suffers an injury from a dirty play that forces him to miss "x" amount of games, the player who injured him should be forced to sit out for "x" amount of games as well. Eye-for-an-eye. Biblical justice. I think that should apply to our rapper friend here (who's abhorrent behavior I won't further reward by looking up his name). Whatever problems he caused for the innocent civilians who got caught up in his traffic that day, he should be forced to endure an equivalent inconvenience.
I'm thinking at bare minimum, this was a 10 minute ordeal. A 10 minute delay at the wrong time can be catastrophic. Potentially life-altering. He could have caused missed job interviews. Late arrivals to work shifts that resulted in firings. Missed flights that forced people to buy another $500 plane ticket. Students failing classes because they missed a deadline, meaning they couldn't graduate, and now have to pay another semester of expensive tuition. Women in labor could have been giving birth on the shoulder because they were in rap traffic on the way to the hospital. If we're doing "eye-for-an-eye", that's A LOT of eye damage this rapper will have to atone for.
I originally wanted to title this blog, "What is the appropriate method of death penalty for this rapper who blocked traffic on the interstate to shoot a music video?" But I was afraid people would take it too literal. You can't even be hyperbolic on the internet anymore. Especially not in headlines. I don't actually think this fat, white, n-word-wielding rapper who stopped traffic on the interstate with his rental cars and fake police lights deserves an automatic death sentence. But his middle-of-the-interstate music video stunt did cause pain & suffering for hundreds, if not thousands of people. If you bottled up all that pain & suffering and put it on one person... it may be enough to kill a weak man. But a strong man could dig himself out of that hole. So it's only fair we give this guy a chance to dig himself out as well. Some quick ripped-up-paper-towel math calculating the damage he caused to come up with an equivalent punishment for one person brought me to a clear solution.
A trap from one of the 10 Saw movies. It's perfect. It's not a death sentence. He can survive if he wants to. Jigsaw was all about punishing those who've lived unappreciative, self-serving lives. Lives in which they didn't consider how their actions affected others. I haven't seen all 10 movies, but I wouldn't be shocked if "man who held up traffic" has already been one of Jigsaw's victims.
According to an article on The Ringer, there are 73 total traps to choose from. The only difficult part here is choosing which Saw trap best fits the crime. Jigsaw's traps are always apropos for his victims. Going through the list, there are no shortage of ones that could apply to the sins of "rapper who stops traffic on the interstate".
Option #1: Needle Pit
Quite the suitable trap for a rapper bragging about the bricks in the back of his Buick. This is man who's actively contributing to never-ending drug crisis in our country. I don't know if the bricks his Buick are cocaine, heroin, or completely fictional for the sake of song (probably that one). But regardless, it's all part of a bigger problem. At best he's a mouthpiece for the wrong side of the war on drugs. Some might say that's even worse. Forcing this rapper to crawl through a pit of used syringes is poetic justice for the hundreds of Americans who die every year from drug overdoses. Overdoes made possible by men like him who propagate such filth.
Option #2: Shotgun Collar
What can be said for this man's contribution to the drug's side of the war on drugs can be also be said for his contributions to gun violence. Does he "technically" rap about guns in this brief snippet? Only sort of. He says he robbed a guy. Then proceeded to use the word "bullet" in the same sentence. I think that counts. And what about other songs? Does he make more direct gun references in his raps outside of traffic? Probably. I would have no way of knowing. His name is not directly attached to this video. Again, I'm sure I could easily find it if I put in the slightest bit of effort, but I'm already rewarding his bad behavior by blogging about which Saw trap he should have to endure. I refuse to reward it any further by learning his name.
Option #3: Pig Vat
I mean, look at the guy. He's got a classic case of pig face. It's chubby. It's pink. You expect the first word out of his mouth to be "oink". He looks like he might take his meals from a trough. The pig vat trap is only fitting. Whoever is doing the Jigsaw voice over the loudspeaker can make plenty of pig puns. "Stopping traffic for money = greedy pig". Things of that nature. With the pig vat trap, he will be relying on someone else to save him. So we'll have to find a member of his rap posse (who is also at fault here) to punish along with him. As the pig vat fills with pig guts and the rapper begins to suffocate-drown, it'll be up to his friend to… idk… do something fucked up and sentimental… in the movie the guy had to burn his dead son's clothes to obtain a key and save the judge. We'll have to find something that means a lot to his friend and use that against him. It will be a test of both friendship, and a test of how much he thinks his rapping buddy is worth saving. Does he truly believe he's talented enough to be a meal ticket to a better life? Or will he just let him die and get a job in construction? We'll find out.
Option #4: Subway Tongue Trap
Did you know there was a Saw moving starring Chris Rock?
Spiral: From The Book of Saw. It hit theaters in 2021. I must have missed that one. Samuel L. Jackson was in it too. The Samuel L. Jackson part makes sense. Samuel L. Jackson says yes to everything. But I would never have expected Chris Rock to do a Saw movie. I guess Covid hit comedians pretty hard. Anyways, this is the ideal trap for any rapping traffic terrorist. In the trap, the man is standing on a stool, in the middle of the subway tracks, with a device attached to his tongue. To survive is simple. Kick the stool out from underneath you. By doing so, you'll fall to the ground, and you can crawl to safety. But it will also rip out your tongue. Imagine this.
Jigsaw Voice: "Your tongue has made you famous beyond your… well… famous enough to be in a Barstool Sports blog. It's also caused minor inconveniences for thousands of I-20 commuters. Is life worth living if you can't say the n-word in traffic? Live tongueless or die. The choice is yours."
Honestly the way things are trending in the rap world, he'd probably have a better chance of making it without a tongue. Being completely incomprehensible has never stopped a rapper from making it before. Becoming the first ever tongueless rapper could be a nice gimmick. It would probably be the thing that launches him to stardom. This trap could end up being a net positive for him.
Option #4: Glued To Car Seat Trap
Of Saw's 73 total traps, this is the one that most resembles being stuck motionless on the interstate as a fledgling rapper blocks traffic so he can shoot a music video. You're stuck in the driver's seat, unable to move, body glued to the leather, the only way to survive is by ripping your entire back's worth of skin off and pulling the red lever. Well actually… that analogy isn't quite fair. The man in the Saw trap at least had the option of going somewhere. The people stuck in traffic didn't have that option. Had they been given one, I'm sure some would prefer ripping the skin off their back to sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic as some asshole films a gimmicky rap video. But still… it's as appropriate of a trap as any.
DISCAIMER: I do not actually advocate for putting people in Saw traps.