Which Barstool Employee at The Chicago Office Has A Backseat Full Of Trash?

Somebody who works in the Barstool Chicago office has a preposterous amount of trash in the backseat of their car. To say it's off-putting would be an understatement. To call them a rapist would be an overstatement. I would call it pretty gross. I would love to investigate the situation myself. I actually will be in Chicago next week for the Ryder Cup (putt-putt version). So if trash car is still a relevant topic of conversation by then, maybe I'll put my investigators pants back on. 

But until then, the only responsible thing to do is speculate wildly as to who it could be. That's the first step to any good investigation. Blind accusations. Throw out names. Make potentially insulting assumptions about the habits of my co-workers who I only sorta know. Reveal what I really think about them from behind the comfort of my keyboard 700 miles away. See if anything sticks.

Nicky Smokes

I saw a lot of people speculating Nicky Smokes on Twitter. But I don't see it. For a pussy connoisseur like Smokes, there's simply too great a risk that a woman co-worker he's trying to have sex with ends up in his car. Nicky Smokes would never leave an anti-pussy getting landmine like that lying around. Plus, Nicky Smokes films a TikTok comparing in his car every day. The ones where he compares sports to sex. "A goalie making a glove save in hockey is like when the condom catches your load". Things of that nature. I don't believe Smokes would let his car get that bad.

Liam Blutman 

With all due respect to Liam Blutman, he looks like a man who accumulates trash. His devil-may-care appearance suggests that he may be equally cavalier about where he discards his folded paper towels. Sorry I don't mean to be rude. My only point is, if you saw Liam Blutman pushing a rusty shopping cart full of wrappers and empty bottles down 7th Ave, you wouldn't exactly think, "Why is that not-homeless looking guy pushing a cart full of trash?". That would actually make more sense than if you saw him gainfully employed (and thriving) in a public space. But still, I don't think it's him. Because he said it wasn't him. If Blutman was a car trash guy, he wouldn't hide from it. He would own it. The car trash culprit won't come out and deny it. You can't hide from the car you own. Unless the person plans to never drive their car to work again, they're going to get caught eventually. Which come to think of it…

White Sox Dave

Dave Walks to Work™. How convenient. Maybe he can walk to work. Maybe he lives within walking distance of the office. But we're coming off a long, cold, Chicago winter. White Sox could have drove during the cold months. Plenty enough time to mow down some snacks. The weather in Chicago was bad yesterday as well. But now that his car has been identified as gross backseat car… he'll just claim "I walk to work", and simply never drive to the office again. Perfect solution. It's time for him to upgrade from his old beat up Camry anyways. By the time winter rolls back around, he'll have a brand new lease. White Sox Dave? More like White Suspect Dave.

But aside from WSD (who managed to deny owning the car in the only suspicious way possible), I'm crossing anyone else who flat out denied ownership off the list. That includes..

Memes of Pardon My Take being clean surprised me. When I first read "black beat up Camry", I thought it was him. Just last week on Pardon My Take, they talked about Memes beat up car that was twice handed down from Hank, to Max, to him. It made perfect sense. But Memes said, "nope". Can't argue with that.

Max Dolente 

Unfortunately that episode of PMT didn't specify Max's car. Well maybe they did. But I don't remember it. So who knows what Max drives now? He could have handed down his old beat up car to Memes, and bought a brand new old beat up Camry. We also know that Max once ate 2 sodas and a burrito, then proceeded to poop his pants on a flight sitting next to Diana Taurasi. I've seen some pretty unflattering pictures of him on the internet. He eats meatballs whole. He's from Philadelphia. These are all facts. Facts that seem like they would be facts about the person who owns that car. Add Max to the suspect list.

Ben Mintz

Evidence #1: Mintzy hasn't said a word about the car

Evidence #2: I've seen Mintzy's apartment

Not the worst apartment I've ever seen. Not in the top 80% of apartments I've seen either. Is it the apartment of a man who keeps his trash in his backseat? It's not, not that. It should all make perfect sense. Except I do think Mintzy eats weirdly healthy. He works out all the time. He's been steadily losing weight. His body doesn't change in shape or size whatsoever. I have no clue where the weight is leaving from. But he is a surprisingly healthy eater. Still… I can't Mintzy is in the clear on this.

Those were some of the initial suspects. However, barely an hour after Chaps announced the start of his investigation, he had a breakthrough in the case. 

That could be true. If it wasn't a LIE. Everybody who works at Barstool Sports knows the contents of our snack closet. I'd recognize those snacks anywhere. Ebony has been purchasing our individually packaged snacks from migrants on the subway since before the Chicago office even existed. Those snacks are so clearly ours that it's legitimately out of the realm of possibility for this car to belong to a non-Barstool employee. I'm assuming Chaps realized that as soon as he hit send on his tweet. Because minutes later, he followed up with this…

I suppose I should have realized when I talked about investigating myself next week, that the owner would clearly be ID'd within hours. It's not hard to find out who in the office owns a car. Good thing I'm not in Chicago, or else I couldn't blog this at all. Everyone in the Chicago office probably knows the culprit already. Only someone in New York, who has no idea what cars people drive, could be so wildly ill-informed to speculate in this manner. 

Chaps backpedaling changes the situation entirely. He went soft so quickly. Marines, am I right? But I refuse to go down that easy. Who would Chaps not want to out as disgusting? Who wouldn't he want dragged across the internet? Time to look at a different brand of suspect.

Kate

I only include Kate's name because I saw some people throw it out after Chaps said "really nice person", but c'mon.. Chaps isn't sparing Kate's feelings. Chaps is putting Kate on blast for her own good. NOT KATE.

Megan Makin' Money

Have you ever seen a girl's bathroom? Of course you haven't. You're reading a blog about inner-office Barstool drama. Fucking roasted your asses. Girls' bathrooms are often the messiest. I've also been in Megan's car. Rode an hour-plus in the backseat across the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway with her and Fasoli. Don't remember a single about it. Could have been a Tesla. Could have been a beat up black Camry. I truly have no fucking idea.

TikTok Girls

Hannah Montoya… Ella Griff… Annika… is there a fourth one? Maybe so. Could the backseats of their cars be as messy as their wild & crazy social lives? Sure, why not. And keep in mind, girls have messy bathrooms. I'm putting a lot of stock into the bathroom thing.

Caitlin Walker 

Lovely person. Never had an unpleasant travel booking experience. No reason to think she would keep a messy car, other than her brother is Brandon Walker. Where one apple fell, another apple from the same tree probably fell close to there too. She doesn't appear to resemble Brandon Walker in any way, shape, or form. Maybe this is where they're the same. 

Michael Katic

We often put D1 athletes on a pedestal. We don't consider that they could be gross as well. Michael Katic is a man of great size. Which is expected when you're coming off a career as an offensive lineman. But D1 athletes have lived their whole lives very regimented. Everything is planned out for them. He's probably had nerds and equipment managers throwing his trash away his whole life. His meals paid for by Indiana University. Does he even know what a grocery store is? Now that he's out in the real world, is Michael Katic perhaps feeling daunted? Is he on a strict diet of office provided snacks because he never learned how to provide for himself on his own? Maybe so.

Uncle Chaps (himself)

A damning accusation from efarr5 @skurge43. Is it possible that in a very bold, very ill-advised, very by-no-means-is-the-juice-worth-the-squeeze move, Uncle Chaps trashed the backseat of a vehicle with freshly opened snacks and clean napkins to start an office-wide witch hunt and immediately retract the investigation an hour later, which only to adds more mystery and lore to an already intriguing situation? I don't want to think such a thing, but efarr5 seems like a straight shooter. 

I admittedly still don't know who the culprit is. But after weighing all my options, and considering all the possible angles. I'm pretty sure I got this situation pegged.

Very Unsatisfying Non-Content Employee Who Nobody Outside of The Office Knows

I hate to say it, but I think this is an Occam's Razor situation. The simplest & least fun explanation is always the correct one. We know the car doesn't belong to someone living in the neighboring apartment. I doubt Chaps pulls the reigns back on airing out a content employee. Half the cars in that lot do belong to behind the scenes Barstool employees who Barstool fans wouldn't even recognize. So if I'm being honest, I'd bet money Chaps found that out and decided to nip it in the bud. It makes the most sense. Let's dive in.

Derrick Smallwood - Information Technology Administrator 

I'm just kidding that's not a real person. That's just a random kid's profile picture from Twitter. It'd be wild if I went down that road though. Some people would probably say I should. They'd probably say a person with such a backseat deserves to be fucked by the internet. "If you take a job at Barstool, no matter where it is, you may end up in content. It's what you signed up for." But I won't do it. Because I, much like Chaps, have a heart. And am kind of being a pussy about diving too deep into this because I feel bad. So to my mystery co-worker out there who spent all last night trying to come up with a way to change the outward appearance of their vehicle. Godspeed brother (or sister). Having a trash can backseat doesn't make you a bad person. I know how things can get away from you. But fix it now. And never let your car get that way again. Please.