Major Development in The Age Old Rivalry Between 'Fast Drivers' vs 'People Who Live on Busy Roads'

GRAYSVILLE, Pa. (WKRC) - A unique road design forced police to confirm that some newly painted road lines were not an accident.

New lines were painted on Grays Lane in Pennsylvania on Friday as part of a series of traffic calming measures aimed at addressing residents' concerns about speeding. The installation of chicanes or delineators was set to follow.

The measures came in response to numerous complaints from residents who have described the road as a "speedway," according to Montgomery Township Police Department. The issue was discussed extensively with Traffic Engineers, Highway Safety Officers and Public Works, the police department said.

"In response to many of the comments, yes, this is a legitimate precaution that has been put in place. Our Highway Safety Officers and Traffic Engineers have determined that this is the best course of action for the area to ensure the safety of the local residents."

Unless you grew up in one of a few major U.S. cities... and have never been on vacation... and have never the booming metropolis in which you were born to experience rural America for any reason whatsoever, then you're all too familiar with this storied rivalry. It's an age old rivalry that dates back to the invention of roads: People Who Live on Busy Roads vs Fast Drivers.

You'll often come across this situation on a standard two-lane highway. You're driving along, listening to your favorite Barstool Sports™ podcast. Speed limit is 55. Cruise control set to 64, because cops can't pull you over unless you're going 10 over the speed limit. Then out of nowhere, a come across a small town. A town where every house is right along the highway. Its population may or may not reach triple digits. The homes are all kinda shitty. There's one single gas station that may or may not be functioning (it's impossible to tell). There is always a deaf child living there. 

sshepard. Getty Images.

As you approach the town, the speed limit drops to 45. A couple hundred feet later it drops to 35. Roughly ten feet after that it abruptly drops to 25. By the time you get you car down to the appropriate speed, the speed limit is back up to 55 again.

If you're a normal well-adjusted person, at most you're mildly annoyed by this. As you pass through, you take note of the most run down house on the block. You try to pinpoint where the deaf kid lives. But you abide by the speed limit of the town, and once you're through, you resume your original cruising speed. But not all drivers have time for such nonsense. Especially drivers who are forced to drive through that town on a daily basis. They didn't mind the minor inconvenience at first, but over time they start to think, "Are there even people in these houses? Are these homes even livable? I never see anyone. I've definitely never seen the deaf kid. What the hell am I slowing down for?"

Eventually they just say "fuck it" and start zipping through Townsville at breakneck speeds. But little do they know, there are people in those houses. In the upstairs window of each home is a middle-aged white woman with aggressively little going on in her life. And she's taking rigorous notes. She logs the time, speed, make-and-model, license plate number, and ethnicity of every car/driver who passes through. At the end of each day she phones the sheriff's office to tattle on each and every car. In particular, the more dangerous, dark colored ones (because they're harder to see). After failing to get you retroactively arrested for speeding over the phone, they remind the sheriff that Townsville is in desperate need of police presence. That the lives of the children they theoretically could have had if their lives turned out the way they planned are at risk. They insist that the fake deaf kid sign is no longer working. Something more needs to be done immediately. 

It looks like in Graysville, PA, the solution they settled on was wavy street lines. It's a creative solution. I'll give them that much. As a driver, I would slow down out of sheer confusion. So I imagine this will work for a while. But inevitably, the people who drive that road every day will get comfortable with the wavy lines, and thing will go back to normal. The more I think about it, the wavy lines will probably just result in cars driving closer to the shoulder. People aren't actually going to swerve down the road the way the markings suggest. And people will always be more comfortable driving over the shoulder than they will be crossing the center. So cars may be driving 5mph slower, but they'll also be closer to pedestrians on the sidewalk. 

Apparently speed bumps weren't in the budget. Neither were more cops. But still… score one for People Who Live on Busy Roads. They've got a brand new trick up their sleeve. It's not a knockout punch by any means. Not even a damage inflicting jab. But it counts as punch on the scorecard nonetheless. Which will almost certainly be insignificant in the end. But it's something. Something to buy the city a few months of peace and quiet until a neighbors dog is clipped along the sidewalk.