Torpedo Take - The Real Question Is How Did No Equipment Manager Or GM Ever Realize They Could Use Wooden Little Tykes Bats?
Everyone has the wrong angle on the great torpedo bat debate. You're all out there arguing whether it should be legal or should be punishable by death for first time offenders before escalating from there. But the real question is this: If using a wooden softball bat (let's not pretend that isn't what it is) is allowable - why the hell hasn't anyone thought of it in the 144 years of the National League's existence? What an absolute... swing and a miss... by every MLB equipment manager ever.
Seriously, if I'm Billy Beane, I'm pissed this option never came up in an analytics meeting.
Come to think of it. Maybe it's not really under the equipment manager's purview. This is on the GM for not reading the MLB rulebook properly to discover that everyone in the history of the game that came before them in their organization and every other organization are complete morons. With respect. Sorry Billy Beane. You can't expect Jonah Hill to come at you being an expert on the technicalities of the rules. That's on you.
Every GM in baseball should be ashamed for not using wood versions of those big yellow Little Tykes bats we broke into a billion pieces as kids when hitting rocks from the flower beds into the street. Seriously - is there any sound more nostalgic from childhood than that of cheap thin plastic splitting into two as a rock the size of a can of play-doh hurls towards your parents car?
Here's another question. Is the Torpedo Bat MLB's Tush Push? I'm sure Philly fans would take exception to this notion seeing as how the Eagles are the only team to truly obtain a doctorate level understanding and execution of the Tush Push (while the Bills failed transitional kindergarten). As for the Torpedo Bat, it requires zero strategy. It's so easy even the those with a kindergarten level understanding of new techniques (Bills) can use it. In fact, as we've all joked, the torpedo bat was made exactly for them.
But since everyone is talking about what to do about all this, I say ban torpedo bats. Why? First, torpedoes were invented by a Brit and this is America's past time. Second, same reason they don't allow metal bats. So short stops don't drop dead after a ball that already ripped through his pitcher doesn't take him out like some magic bullet from the dirty knoll. Also, didn't baseball just clean up a huge part of the game by moving it along faster? If everyone wises up and starts using this thing, how long are games going to become? I know the story is the torpedo bats are within legal requirements, but all that tells me is the regular bats were left in the lathe too long.
In conclusion - I think it's not entirely overreacting to say that everyone that has ever worked in major league baseball should be fired for not figuring this out sooner. Including whoever would be the ones firing everyone. Fire them too.