Power Ranking The Absurd Amount of Microphones In Ukrainian President Zelenskyy's Face

Thank you to my friends at Mostly Sports for bringing this clip to my attention. It's one of those videos that really shouldn't be that funny. I'm still not confident anybody else will find it as funny as I did. But I laughed out loud the second it popped up. Clearly... Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy arriving at the European Defense Summit (albeit a full week ago) was a big deal. Big, big deal. I don't necessarily know the political implications of anything that went on there. Is the war over? Did they start a new one? Who's to say. But that's not what's important. This is a blog about microphones. The greatest long stick microphone-off these eyes have ever seen.

When you're 1 of 13 (I think I count 13) media outlets credentialed to stick a microphone in the face of Ukraine's president, you know right away you're in for a war of your own. You're not just showing up to the European Defense Summit in Brussels, Belgium with a measly handheld mic. Not if you expect to get your big foam ball anywhere near President Zelenskyy's mouth. If you want to deliver the news to whichever country your foreign news media outlet represents, you better show up with a long stick. And you better be ready to fight. 

I power ranked/graded the performance of all 13 microphones (and 1 honorable mention microphone I almost didn't realize was there). 

13. Orange Square

Orange Square made one of the quickest, softest business decisions I've seen since Cam Newton didn't jump on that fumble in the Super Bowl. He saw how aggressive Yellow E was coming in and abruptly realized he wanted none of the smoke. Just sat there in the worst possible position and let his competition walk all over him. At the 1:30 mark, I don't know if his arms got tired, or if that was some pathetic stab at going low for position. Whatever it was, it didn't work. Nothing to hold your head high about if you're Orange Square mic. GRADE F-

12. Light Blue

Zero effort from start to finish. Disrespectful to the profession. If Light Blue microphone stick holder is ever allowed to hold a long stick microphone again it would be an embarrassment to microphones. He barely moved. Any movement he did make only put him in worse position. Spent a majority of the interview directly behind another mic. Just rubbing foam the entire time. It was almost like he thought if he was touching another mic he could steal its recording. That's not how microphones work at all. I'd imagine Light Blue's handler has already been fired/sent to hold a microphone on the front lines of war in the Ukraine. GRADE F

11. Fat JBL Speaker Looking Ass

This might be unfair, but something about Fat JBL Speaker Looking Ass microphone rubs me the wrong way. He just shows up with his stupid giant backwards tilting head and plops himself down low. Never really worked to get any closer. Was just kinda in the way. No chance that mic is regulation. It's certainly not in the spirit of the competition. It's the not the long stick microphone holding  game that I've grown to love over the past way-too-much-time I've spent on this way-too-long blog about microphones. GRADE D

10. Al Jazeera (Blue)

Sad to watch a media powerhouse like Al Jazeera be repeatedly tea bagged by an orange penis mic on such a grand stage. Especially sad that Al Jazeera didn't even bother fighting back. Just cowered into submission for the remainder of the interview. To be fair… I can't really blame him. There's no coming back from a microphone tea bagging. I don't know how you can look yourself in the mirror as a long stick microphone holder after that one. Not that he necessarily had terrible position. I'm sure he came out with a fine recording, so I can't give him too terrible of a grade. But it's a rough look to be abused like that on national television. Gotta think a company as big as Al Jazeera will have a young up and comer who gets the nod at the next long stick microphone holding event. 

9. Yellow E

Credit to Yellow E for giving it his all. He hung in there as well as he could. Was fighting for his life the entire time. But things just kept getting worse. He came in so hot. Tried to throw his weight around. Seemed to be settled into an above average position. But was absolutely outclassed by the far more savvy, more experienced Blue K24 microphone (25 second mark). I don't know if Yellow E's holder lost his footing, or if he was simply bodied off his spot by a bigger, stronger European. Because he was set up perfectly. Had all the tools to succeed. Just couldn't hang with the big dogs in the end. GRADE C-

8. Freedom

My initial instinct was to throw the Freedom microphone in dead last. He brought a short mic stick to a long mic stick fight. If your tiny little microphone stick is that outmatched, then why even bother showing up? But I grew to appreciate Freedom mic's strategy. While the rest of his competition had a pissing match over top position, Freedom mic cornered the market on blonde woman. If blonde woman dropped any surprise bombs out of right field, that soundbite was all his. I don't think it paid off, but I respect his plan of attack. GRADE C

7. Orange R

Nothing special about Orange R, but he did manage to hold firm amidst the chaos of Yellow E swinging manically around him. He never attempted any moves to get into A position. Realistically, Orange R probably never had the length or girth to make his presence felt in the middle to begin with. But he worked the outside and used the tools God gave him to turn in a satisfactory performance. GRADE C+

6. Black ORF

ORF did his job. Nothing less, nothing more. The angle of the video does him some favors. Watch closely and you'll realize he's not quite as front and center as he originally appears. But he had solid starting position and held firm-ish in his spot. He slowly lost some ground to the more aggressive microphones throughout the interview, but he kept his cool, didn't do anything stupid, didn't make any rash moves to lose his place completely. Solid showing from ORF. GRADE B-

5. BELSAT

Can't stress enough how difficult it is to work a stick of that length from that far on the outside. BELSAT did a terrible job acquiring a starting position. But he maximized his potential from the spot he was at (roughly 20 yards away from Zelenskyy). To overtake Orange R from the outside the way he did is nothing to sneeze at. GRADE B

4. WDR-1

Very respectable performance from a clear veteran of the game. Zelenskyy was the main attraction, but he knew racially ambiguous guy was going to do most of the talking. He knew if he grabbed a position along the left side, he could avoid all the riff-raff in the middle altogether and come out with a great recording. He never had to get his hands dirty. A younger, more hungry long stick microphone holder probably would have fought to get a bit closer, but WDR-1 knows how to survive long-term in the industry. Get in, get out, and don't make any enemies. That's how you get long stick microphone holding job for life. Work smarter, not harder. GRADE B+

3. Orange Penis

Immediately established dominance by showing up with by far the most phallic shaped microphone of the group. He started out in a log job, but made a highly aggressive move by brow-beating the Al Jazeera mic into submission. Really made Al Jazeera his bitch. Dragged his sack right across his face. Nobody dared fuck with him after that manhandling. It was smooth sailing from there on out. Of all 13+ microphones, I'd argue Orange Penis mic made his presence felt the most. GRADE A-

2. Blue AFP

As hard fought and dominant of a performance Orange Penis had… as much as Orange Penis worked to earn his position during the course of the interview… he couldn't quite overtake Blue AFP. Sometimes the long stick microphone game is won before it's even started. Blue AFP started in prime position. He started out nice and low, then raised up higher when threatened. He never forfeited his spot. Possible midget holding the mic here as well. Blue AFP an easier path than much of his competition, but you can't fault a microphone for playing what's on his schedule. GRADE A

1. Blue K24

Round of applause. This is how it's done. Blue K24 put in the best performance of the day by a long shot. Blue K24 started in dead last. But he weathered the initial chaos up front, bided his time, and at the 20 second mark he made his move. While the other microphones had a slap fight up high, K24 went low and wound up front and center for a majority of the clip. Honestly, the more I watch this clip, the more impressed I am. Just a slow, methodical extension. He took Yellow E to school. Cleared him out of the ring and sent him spiraling. Obviously this is not the first time K24 has found himself in this position. A long stick microphone holding masterclass from start to finish. GRADE A+

Honorable Mention: This Guy on The Far Right

Didn't even realize he was in the game. Makes a brief appearance up top. Briefly sneaks his way back on screen at 1:10. Just never had the tools to compete. I don't even feel right giving him a grade. Not sure if he recorded a single word. Better luck next year. Now if only we had the reverse angle. Would love to see what really went down on the other end of the sticks.