Dumping Them Out: Eddie George! Welcome to Bowling Green!

Welcome back to a very special episode of Dumping Them Out. I was going to use this blog to dump on that dumb cunt Malcom Smutler who dropped "Smutler's Digest: Vol. 2" today. Blatantly stealing from the collection of grainy, oftentimes weird-aspect-ratioed Boob GIFs I've worked tirelessly over the past 2.5 years to build. Not just anybody can source Boob GIFs on the internet. There's are very specific combinations of words you have to plug into Google Images to source them. You'd think you could just type in "hot girl boob gif" and they'd all be at your fingertips. But there's so much more to it than that. "Hot girl boob gif" is going to bring up over 50% porn images. Sometimes you gotta throw the word "bikini" in there. Sometimes you gotta mix in a "beach". Sometimes you gotta click into a Boob GIF, then follow the trail of similar Boob GIFs that pop up in the suggestions below, and keep doing that until you find your way into a whole new realm of Boob GIFs. Malcolm Smutler, the mystery don who's been posting nothing but soft core porn on the Barstool Sports website for the last decade would know nothing about it had Dumping Them Out not done the work for him. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. 

But my very own hometown/alma mater Bowling Green State University Falcons made national news this morning. They finally did something cool. They hired Eddie George to be their next head football coach.

And what better way to welcome Heisman Trophy winner Edwin Nathan George Jr. to the beautiful American city of Bowling Green, Ohio than than with the best Boob GIFs Barstool Sports has to offer. 

First things first, shoutout to our ex-head football coach Scott Loeffler. Who left Bowling Green completely hanging out to dry by quitting his job as head coach to take a job as Quarterback's Coach for the Philadelphia Eagles. 

And thank god he did. Bowling Green was never getting anywhere with Loeffler. He was the fakest good coach in the MAC. He tried to overly out think the defense with overcomplicated play calls on every play. I wouldn't recognize an HB dive if it hit slapped him in the face. There were moments in which he looked like genius. Other times Bowling Green would go three-and-out without a single play even having a chance to develop. His weird misdirection shit worked against overly aggressive defenses who though they could just run through us, which is why we'd pull off about one big upset per year. We would have beat Texas A&M last year if it wasn't for him getting too greedy and calling a HB pass in the most important moment of the game. But the MAC had him figured out. We had the best TE the country, and the best RB in the MAC, and Loeffler couldn't win in the MAC with them. He was so overrated.  

So thank you Scott Loeffler… if you didn't leave us hanging out to dry like assholes, I don't think Bowling Green would have had the balls to make a hire like Eddie George. They probably would have gone with another safe boring coordinator from a middle of the road ACC school, and Bowling Green would have continued being the same team they've been for pretty much my whole life.  An above average football team in the MAC, and nothing more. 

Sorry this blog isn't about Scott Loeffler. It's about boobs and Eddie George. Hiring Eddie George is exactly the type of move I want Bowling Green to make. It's something different. The college football landscape is changing. The transfer portal is huge now. What does Bowling Green have to lose by hopping on the trend of hiring a big name ex-NFL star who will hopefully be able to pull some flashy recruits based on name alone? Why not hire a popular head coach who's going to get fans excited and bring some more hype around the program? Who cares if it doesn't work out? Nobody in Bowling Green is going begrudge them for taking a swing. At least we're trying to be relevant. That's pretty cool. And as far as his actual coaching acumen is concerned, Eddie George wasn't blowing folks out of the water at Tennessee State, but he had the program going the right direction. They were steadily improving year after year.

So fuck it. Welcome to Bowling Green, Eddie George. You're going to love it here. Now if could give you some advice… If you want to ingratiate yourself with the fanbase, buy a house in Bowling Green on the golf course of Stone Ridge. I know somebody will probably tell you that 15 minutes up north in Perrysburg is a "nicer" place to live. But it's really not. Perrysburg thinks they're better than us, but fucking newsflash Perrysburg, we're both in northwest Ohio. We're the exact same place. You're a man who's traveled Eddie. You understand this.

Most importantly, Stone Ridge is as nice of a public golf course as you're going to get in the area. I'm sure you can grab yourself a membership at Inverness up in Toledo as well. But how nice would it be to live right on a course? Get yourself a golf cart and house on a nice little par 3. Check out hole 16. Every night as the sun is going down and the course is empty, you can hop out your backyard and play 16, 17, 18, and 1 in about 15 minutes. Then you can chip around the green, practice your bunker shots, and work on your putting into the late hours of the night. It's the perfect place for you to live. And the people of Bowling Green will respect you for it. Fuck Perrysburg. 

We have plenty of fantastic food options in Bowling Green as well. Might I recommend the Campus Polleyeys stuffed breadsticks. I prefer pepperoni and cheese stuffed with a jalapeño cheese sauce on the side, but people say they have the best ranch ever. And they'll stuff your sticks with whatever your heart desires. If you're in the market for a good cheesesteak, Mr. Spots is a strong of a cheesesteak as you'll find in the country. Easily better than anything I've had in Philly. If you're looking for a classic all-American breakfast, Kermits (cash only) is as good as it gets. El Zarape is a nice little Mexican joint with the strongest margaritas in town. Frickers is a classic, blue-collar sports bar right by the football stadium. We recently moved our Panera Bread from downtown to a location closer to the university, so that'll be huge for you I'm sure. We also just got a Culvers. Our Taco Bell is the 3rd highest grossing Taco Bell in America (that's something I've been told since I was a child, no clue if it's true or not, but everyone just kind rolls with it). Bowling Green is the food capital of America if you really think about it. 

Great to have you in town, Eddie. As a kid who grew up in Bowling Green, went to college there, still has parents who live there (they're lovely people you should really meet them), I couldn't be more thrilled to have something different to cheer for in the foreseeable future. You're going to do great. And if after a couple MAC titles you're onto bigger and better things, the Bowling Green faithful will be nothing but happy for you. We're used to that by now. And check out some hockey games while you're here. When the Slate is rockin' it's one of the best atmospheres in college hockey. Big CCHA semifinals tilt vs Minnesota State next weekend. You won't wanna miss it.