My Ex-Girlfriend Just Put Me In A Body Bag

It all started when Rone announced his Chicago 1v1 basketball tournament. To his credit, it’s a genius idea—because even if you’re terrible at basketball, you can still win. All you have to do is score one point. Naturally, like anyone who cares about this job, they signed up immediately.

When it came time to set up box-office matchups, Rone wasted no time pitting me against none other than my ex-girlfriend and co-worker, Annika. Well played, Rone. Well played.

I had no idea about my matchup until I ran into Annika in the kitchen. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m gonna be in that ass on Friday.” Naturally, I was confused—because, well, we haven’t done that in quite some time. I asked her what she meant, and she told me we were playing each other one-on-one this Friday.

Trying to build some hype around the awkward matchup, I made a lighthearted sex joke on Twitter. I knew the moment I hit send that I was lobbing her the perfect setup to dunk on me—but sometimes, you have to be the joke to make the joke. And boy, did I get cooked. It was the fastest ratio I have ever witnessed, and it taught me one thing: when it comes to sex jokes, the guy never wins.

Now, I have no choice but to take her soul on the court this Friday. Stay tuned.