Pope Francis is critically ill, which means there’s a chance for CONCLAVE 2025

Currently as we speak, Pope Francis is battling double pneumonia and was hospitalized in a critical state.  The 88-year-old needed supplemental oxygen and blood transfusions and was described as having “prolonged asthma-like respiratory crisis.” However, he’s not intubated and was described as having a “tranquil” night and was said to still be joking with his fellow Cardinals. So it’s up and down right now. 

Now I would never wish ill upon Il Papa, and I don’t want to jump the gun here. But word is the Swiss Guard have already been practicing for his funeral. So if that’s the case I think it’s only fair we start to discuss my favorite international phenomenon - CONCLAVE.

When roughly 138 cardinals lock themselves in the Vatican and argue and vote until we see that puff of white smoke, you know your boy KFC will be on the scene. I’m a little upset at the thought of this all happening right after the success of the movie, Conclave. Almost like when your favorite band goes pop and all the Johnny come latelies hop on the Conclave bandwagon. But this is real life, not some movie with a VERY stupid ending, I might add. So let’s get down to business and talk shop on who are the odds on favorites to be elected pope of Francis does in fact take his seat next to the Father.

Currently Pietro Parolin, the sec of State at the Vatican, is the odds on favorite to get the necessary 77 votes. He’s Italian. He’s currently the second highest at the Vatican. He is sent all over the world to deal with foreign relations and dictators. In that regard this seems like the chalk pick. HOWEVER, oddly enough there has not been a Vatican Secretary of State elected in Conclave since Pope Pius XII in 1939. So that’s something to consider. 

Luis Antonio Tagle is a Filipino widely considered an extension of Pope Francis. Very liberal. If people want to keep letting gays run amuck and let dogs into heaven and shit like that, LAT is the choice. The old phrase is “Seguite sempre un papa grasso con sottile” - always follow a fat pope with a skinny one. Meaning the next pope should be a departure from the last one. The pendulum swings back. I don’t think that really holds true because the Papacy has just been getting more progressive. If that holds true, the Filipino is in good shape. If the cardinals are sick of this liberal pussy shit and want to go back to hellfire and brimstone in Latin, he’s fucked. 

I’m obsessed with Peter Turkson because I desperately want to see #BlackPope. He’s a Ghanaian. He was heavily in the mix last Conclave and I so so badly wanted to write a headline like “White Smoke, Black Pope” but alas, it wasn’t in the cards. He’s still of age this go round and would obviously get heavy support from the African delegate.

Surprisingly not mentioned here is Ambongo Besungu, from the democratic republic of the Congo. I believe he’s a strong contender too and obviously would fulfill the first #BlackPope. He’s a conservative who openly criticized Pope Francis 

Speaking of conservatives, Peter Erdo is the most conservative of this betting bunch. He hates all the gay stuff and divorce stuff that Pope Francis lets fly. He’s Hungarian, and he was the President of the conference of the Bishops council of Europe, where he was known for being the bridge between Europe and Africa. If you can land the European vote and the African vote, that’s enough to get the 77 votes for 2/3 majority. So that gives him strong chances. 

Angelo Scola is a “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” type candidate. He was the odds on favorite in last Conclave. When the white smoke appeared last conclave, he received many emails of congratulations from other bishops, only for them to find out he didn’t actually win. The phrase in these situations when a favorite loses is “he walked into Conclave the Pope, and walked out a cardinal.” He lost as a #1 seed, basically.  

Not listed is probably the only shot we have to get an American Pope. Cardinal Leo Burke, the Arch-conservative from St. Louis. Another open critic of Francis who wants to return to stricter doctrine.

Timothy Dolan from New York would have been long shot as a viable candidate had this happened earlier. As he turned 75 he had to turn in his resignation to the Holy See. The Canadian Mark Oulette was a contender last Conclave, but now at the age of 80 not only is he not a contender but can’t even participate in the vote.Of course there’s always a chance for some upset, but those are the contenders. This ain’t Hollywood where they are gonna elect some hermaphrodite, ok? This is still the Catholic Church. Maybe they let you use condoms and masturbate without going to Hell these days but it’s still the Catholic Church. My money is on the Italian. The Guineas aren’t gonna let this opportunity pass them by