My Application to Be Canada's Fentanyl Czar

X.com - @JustinTrudeau - I just had a good call with President Trump. Canada is implementing our $1.3 billion border plan — reinforcing the border with new choppers, technology and personnel, enhanced coordination with our American partners, and increased resources to stop the flow of fentanyl. Nearly 10,000 frontline personnel are and will be working on protecting the border. 

In addition, Canada is making new commitments to appoint a Fentanyl Czar, we will list cartels as terrorists, ensure 24/7 eyes on the border, launch a Canada- U.S. Joint Strike Force to combat organized crime, fentanyl and money laundering. I have also signed a new intelligence directive on organized crime and fentanyl and we will be backing it with $200 million. 

Proposed tariffs will be paused for at least 30 days while we work together.

Dear Oh Canada,

I've wanted to be czar from the moment I learned what a czar was. When I was living in Los Angeles, somebody hooked me up with a sketchy sales job where I convinced car dealerships and warehouses to pay us to install energy efficient lightbulbs that the state of California would pay for. When they hired me, they asked what I wanted my title to be. I said, "Can I be the Sales Czar?", and they countered with, "What about Account Executive?" I said, "Ok, that's fine" and my dreams of being a czar were shattered. 

The company went out of business three months later. Could never get a W-2 from them. Pretty sure they were paying me under the table. Either that or I owe some taxes in California. But I figured I'd never have the opportunity to become a czar again. Until Canada posted a new job opportunity. I pay as little attention to politics as possible for a person who spends all day on the internet. But from what I gather, Canadians have been smuggling fentanyl across the border like maple syrup. So President Trump implemented a tariff on their country. Canada responded by booing our National Anthem. When that didn't fix things, they said, "What if we implement a Fentanyl Czar?" Apparently that worked. Now the tariffs are on hold, and Canada is in need of a czar.

What exactly is a Fentanyl Czar? Not sure. I don't think Canada knows either. But in general he or she will be responsible for keeping fentanyl from crossing the boarder. I think I would be good at this. Canada says they're looking for a serving or former police officer to fill the role. Which I am not. But when you consider the experience I do have in the world of fentanyl, and my admiration for some things Canada, I believe I would be the best man for the job.

Zero Political or Law Enforcement Experience 

This is actually a good thing. Traditional experience is no longer in vogue. Take a page out of the United States book and hire somebody with a fresh new perspective and a background working for a conservative media company. I have no bad habits, and won't waste time/money riding around on a horse like all your other Canadian police officer candidates. 

Significant Fentanyl Experience

Very easily identifiable for an experienced heroin user. Much different high. Can taste the difference immediately. Admittedly, I would prefer to not get re-addicted to opiates, but if can get a slice of that free healthcare you're always bragging about for when I eventually need rehab, I am willing to test drugs at the border for you to assure that only the purest uncut heroin makes it into the United States.

Motivation

Now that I'm back addicted to drugs, I will be the hardest working employee in all of Canada. There is no amount of professional training or real-life work experience that could ever make a sober person better at finding drugs than a man who is actively addicted. To not make a fentanyl bust on a daily basis will make me horrifically sick. I will physically not be able to sleep until I locate drugs for you. It's a level of motivation you can only find in an addict facing withdrawal.

Is American

Hiring a Canadian to be Canada's Fentanyl Czar, who's job is keeping drugs in their home country would be a conflict of interest. Why would a Canadian want to keep fentanyl in Canada? That makes no sense. 

"But we're just going to destroy the drugs when we find them anyways" - Yeah right. Like those drugs aren't going straight to an evidence locker for some crooked junkie cop to replace with baking soda so he can sell dime bags behind the Tim Hortons. 

The job is keeping drugs out of America. When my work as czar is complete, after I've done all the fentanyl and graduated from free Canadian rehab, the last thing I want is to go back to a United States where drugs are available. That responsibility should fall on the shoulders of someone who has real skin in the game. 

Sometimes Wishes He Had Moved There as a Child For Hockey Purposes

My dad graduated college when I was 3 years old, and one of his job offers was from the University of Calgary. There's always been a part of me that wishes he took that job. If he had, I would be in the NHL right now. Instead of wasting my childhood playing multiple sports, I'd have focused on hockey year round. Instead of quitting after high school, I still would have been playing at ages 19-20 when I hit my surprise late-in-life 3" growth spurt. Had I grown up in Canada, I would have realized my full, probably NHL-level potential. As much as you should appoint an American to be your Fentanyl Czar, you should still hire someone who has a healthy respect for hockey.

Actually Respected Your National Anthem Booing

Most Americans were none too pleased with your country's collective decision to boo The Star Spangled Banner at NHL games. But I thought it showed heart. I think it was ironically the most American thing you could have done. When somebody does something to you that you don't like, you boo them. That's an American spirit. As much as you inevitably rolled over and did what we asked of you, I respect putting up a semblance of a fight in the form of booing a song. 

Knowledge of Canadian Politics 

I can name 3 of them. You have Justin Trudeau the progressive blackface President. Rob Ford the wacky, crack smoking, dead Mayor of Toronto. And King Charles III of England, who people forget is still the King of Canada since your rebellion against Great Britain wasn't as good as ours. Never quite managed to get the queen's face off your money.

I'm a phone call away Mr. Trudeau. You can hire some random cop who's part of the problem. Someone who allowed your fentanyl epidemic to get as bad as it has under his watch. You can play it safe, and maybe make the slightest dent in your country's drug problem. If you're lucky, maybe America will move onto something else and forget about the whole tariff thing. Or you can nut up and swing for the fences. Show your country, and show President Trump you're serious about making a change by hiring a a Barstool Sports blogger who's name some people might recognize as the guy who ate dog shit that one time. Your move, bud.