The Way Dan Orlovsky Eats Reese's Cups is a Crime Against Humanity for Which There Can Be No Pardon

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It seems like most football consumers respect Dan Orlovsky as an analyst. I certainly do. He's insightful. He's been an excellent guest on Pardon My Take:

And I especially like him when he's giving interviews or doing film breakdowns that confirm all my greatest hopes for the future:

So yes, I can truly say I like Dan Orlovsky. But I'm officially changing that to, in the words of the late Terry Glenn, "I did. D-I-D, did." I can no longer approve of the work - make that the very existence - of a man who eats Reese's Peanut Butter Cups like this:

Reese's are, in the opinion of this scribe, our finest of all the candies ever devised by man. The first one you eat our of your Halloween bag, and the one you save for last. The Alpha and Omega of the candiest of all holidays. You may have a different preference, which is fine. But regardless, we can all agree that this is unacceptable behavior on every level. Unconscionable. A sin against nature. Even if we were talking about the worst of candies - let's say, for example, Jordan Almonds - this would be a disgusting, stomach churning, criminal display that cannot be tolerated in a civilized society. 

And that excuse is even worst. Orlovsky doesn't like milk chocolate? That's also unacceptable. No human doesn't like milk chocolate. It's like claiming you don't like warmth, or comfort, or love. But even if you really don't, why eat Reese's which are, by definition, "two great tastes that taste great together"? Why wouldn't you simply grab a spoon and a jar of Skippy and go (no pun intended) nuts, instead of chewing off the delicious chocolate and spitting it out like a mother bird feeding her hatchlings? 

Many are saying:

This is still America, Land of the Free, where you have the right to eat treats any way you want. But to complete that thought, it's also Home of the Brave. Where courageous men fought tyranny and bled the battlefields red from Lexington to Fallujah and everywhere in between. And the one thing all those men of valor would agree on is they were fighting against monstrous behavior like this. 

The White House has stated and the Department of Defense has confirmed they're going to build a detention facility at Guantanamo Bay to house violent criminal offenders who are in the US illegally. I join all decent, rational, Reese's Cup-respecting citizens when I say they need to build a one-person facility on the same site and incarcerate Dan Orlovsky until such time he signs a pledge to eat these wonderful snacks like a real American. Until then, give him internet access and let him keep posting because America has an NFL Draft to prepare for.