Proud Father Bryan Johnson (The Man Who Wants to Live Forever) Tweeted Out His 19-Year Old Son's Overnight Erection Statistics

Bryan Johnson has made a name for himself by dedicating his life to "reversing the aging process". He's spent over $2 million per year in the process. His anti-aging routine has him adhering to a radical vegan diet, eating 30 pills a day, taking human growth hormones, and undergoing monthly colonoscopies & MRI's. According to Bryan, he's actually succeeded in reversing his age. God says he's a 47 year old man. But according to science, he has the heart of a 37-year old, he skin of 28-year old, his kidneys are 25, his lungs are 18, and he has the penis of a 30-year old. For every trip around the sun, Bryan Johnson biologically ages .64 years, meaning he celebrates his birthday every 19 months. Which to me isn't "reversing the aging process" as much as it is slowing it down. But whatever he's doing, it is undeniably helping him live longer changing his face.

Physically, Bryan may be the healthiest man on earth. Mentally, I'm guessing he's a disaster. Anybody who's that obsessed with not dying must live a life filled with crippling anxiety. I bet it's a horror show inside of his head. You know how after the police catch a serial killer, they'll interview his neighbors, and the neighbors will always say, "He mostly kept to himself, but he seemed like a regular guy. We didn't expect him to have 18 bodies in his freezer "

Well if it turned out Bryan Johnson was a serial killer, his neighbors would probably say, "Yeah we always suspected he was killing people and wearing their skin". 

But on a medical chart, Bryan Johnson is the epitome of health. There's a whole documentary about him on Netflix - 'Watch Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever'.

That's Bryan's son Talmage, who follows in his father's footsteps. The two are exceptionally close. Both are in tip top physical condition. Both deathly afraid of death. They work out with each other. They eat the same aggressively healthy diet. They get shirtless and hold up jars of sperm together.

Bryan passes down his anti-aging wisdom to Talmage. Talmage gives Bryan his blood.

It is literally the healthiest father-son relationship I have ever seen. But some people seem to think Bryan took things too far yesterday by sharing his son's erection statistics with the world. Which is understandable. If you were at your son's baseball practice, and you struck up a conversation with another father, and the father casually told you that every morning him and his son compared boners, you would dial 911. But you have to understand, living forever is what the Johnson family does. It's not only a paralyzing fear death. It's a competition. And in this competition, you apparently keep score by wearing an erection tracking device on your penis every night. On Tuesday night, Bryan and Talmage Johnson went for a combined 11 episodes & 366 minutes duration. Their AEQ (average erection quality) was 92. Do you know how impressive that is? Me neither. But you wouldn't begrudge a father for posting his son's stat line after recording a double-double. Bryan Johnson is simply a proud dad, and Talmage is more than happy to have his young father's full-throated support. 

The two seem to have a loving relationship. I just hope Bryan isn't too hard on him. Never dying is an high bar to live up to. I can only imagine how disappointed Bryan would be if Talmage were caught drinking a beer, or smoking a cigarette. Or if he came home from the doctor's one day with a humiliating cancer diagnosis. That would be detrimental to the Johnson family name. And think about the pressure you'd feel to not die every time you left the house. If you spent $2 million per year for 20 years to live forever, only to be Liz Gonzalez'd by a bus at age 60. All it takes is one freak accident for the Johnson's entire life's work to be all-for-not. That's too much pressure. It's no way to live a life. And who even knows if what they're doing will really add significant years to their lives. Part of me thinks the best way to live forever is by developing a drug and alcohol addiction in your 20's to callus up your insides, and proceed to age like The Rolling Stones. 

Gary Miller. Getty Images.

At least that's what I like to tell myself. But I hope Bryan and Talmage really do find a way to live forever. That through proper diet & exercise, they find the fountain of youth, and truly do reverse the aging process. That someday they'll reach biological age zero, turn back into fetuses, and have a doctor reinsert them into a womb so they can experience child birth for a second time. Or whatever the hell their weird final goal is.