Dumping Them Out: Monday MILF Madness
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. Sorry this is being posted on a Monday. Hopefully this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. Hopefully later this year when my contract is up, Dave Portnoy won't look me in the eye half-paying attention ask me over the phone what exactly I do for Barstool Sports. And at some point during that conversation, I tell him with a straight face that he should continue paying me a living wage because every Sunday I post 1,000 words & 15 boob GIF's. Then Dave will say, "But what about Sunday, January 12th? I see no Boob GIF's on the blog that day"
Then I'll have to explain how I was halfway finished with the blog but then I ate too much pot roast for dinner and had to lay down and accidentally fell asleep and then when I woke up it was like shit it's kinda too late to post this now I guess I'll just make "Dumping Them Out: Monday MILF Madness".
Looks like the United States TikTok ban might actually go through. I can't believe we got to this point. When the news first broke that it was on the table, I thought there was a 0% chance it would ever actually happen. I thought it would be one of those news stories that just kinda went away. But I guess our government really doesn't want China to have all our personal information. I was fine with it. China hasn't given me any reason to not trust them. They've always given me fair portion sizes for reasonable prices. The movie Rush Hour was a staple of my childhood. I've never understood their refusal to embrace the fork, but chopsticks don't make them bad people. I'm sure they wouldn't do anything nefarious with all my banking information and social security number.
TikTok going away might actually be a good thing for me. It'll suck for some of my co-workers who've built a following on there. But if TikTok refuses to sell to a trustworthy American like Mr. Wonderful, then eventually someone is going to have to create a new American version of TikTok. They can call it TruthTok. If that happens, then I can get in on the ground floor as one of those guys who reads the news on a green screen. I really should be doing that already. I spend so much time writing these long ass blogs on whatever the viral news story of the day is. But nobody wants to actually read anymore. They just want the floating head of a man with a camera way too close to his face to read them a minute long summation of what happened in yesterday's episode of Beast Games.
But if TikTok disappears, I will be sad that I can no longer keep up with Indian kid hunger games. Indian kid hunger games is the fastest growing sport in the world. I can't get enough.
Muzamil is currently on a historic, 90's Chicago Bulls type of run. He's unquestionably the goat of Indian kid hunger games. On top of that, he's a great kid. Always respectful of his competition. Abides by the rules of Indian kid hunger games. Frequently shares his winnings with his hungry friends. Muzamil's parents have done a hell of a job raising a fine young man. Mr. Greedy on the other hand. Mr. Greedy is out of control. He must be stopped. He's always bullying the younger kids out of their spots in line. Sneaking in after the game to steal food from the rightful winner. Downright cheating in the games.
Muzamil = GOAT, Mr. Greedy = BAN. It's going to be devastating when TikTok disappears and I won't know which small Indian children (or one of the two random adults) won a gigantic chicken sandwich that day. It kills me that I might not be there for the inevitable downfall of Mr. Greedy. I know the app won't just disappear on January 19th if they refuse to sell. We'll still be able to watch videos. But we won't be able to update it anymore. Eventually we'll get to the point that TikTok is unusable without the latest update. And I'll be on shady websites subjecting my computer to terrible viruses so I can watch Indian kids throw darts at balloons to earn their dinner.