My 2025 New Year's Resolutions
The new year has officially begun which means it's time to make some resolutions about how to better yourself in the new year that you still stop in two weeks. But not me. I pride myself on trying to accomplish mine and also having more unique ones than just "go to the gym" and "eat salads." So without further ado, here are 15 resolutions I have for 2025.
Start liking Diet Coke
-Everyone loves talking about how good diet coke is and the satisfaction it gives them. I personally don't like diet coke. Never have. I'm not a huge soda drinker but if I'm drinking it, regular coke is just way better. But I'm tired of feeling left out of this trend where everyone loves Diet Coke and talks about it all the time so I will force myself to drink and like Diet Coke.
Meet Timothee Chalamet…. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
-I believe that in another universe, if things broke a little bit differently, I would be living Timothee Chalamet's life. I feel like that should be up there taking his roles on the silver screen. But unfortunately, I'm stuck writing this blog of stupid fucking resolutions while he's on a Bob Dylan press tour. But this year I will meet him by any means necessary, "laws" be damned.
Buy more things but also spend less money
-This one could admittedly be a tricky tightrope to walk. I want to more have the mindset of "If I want something, I'll get it." Why the hell not? That's what money is for. To spend it. But I simultaneously also want to budget more and spend money less recklessly. So I'm not sure how to pull this one off.
Bring back the "Bad Luck Brian" meme
-This meme had a stranglehold on the Internet in like 2012 and I think it's time for a comeback. People will remember that I famously pledged to bring back "Ooooo kill em" in 2024 and that was a smashing success. So this year I will turn my attention to reviving this forgotten meme. Here is an example of one that could potentially go viral if I fail though.
Classic.
Play the lottery more, I’ll probably win
-I've always felt that if I played the lottery enough, I'd eventually win it. Can't be that hard. It's a numbers game. If I bought like 4 tickets every time there's a drawing I'd likely win by April, perhaps June at the latest.
Get on Love Island
-I think I've thrown enough of my own fake dating shows and should probably just get on a real one. Love Island seems to be the most popular one right now so I'll set my sights on that. I feel like I could do pretty well and potentially even find the love of my life, so that would be neat.
Get more into wine or at least fake it
-I would love to be the guy at dinner who confidently grabs the wine menu, peruses through the selections, and then chooses one for the table that we all enjoy. Currently, I usually just select like the 3rd cheapest bottle but I'd love to have enough knowledge where I can actually know what I'm talking about or at least pretend to.
Organically get in a random NYC man on the street tiktok and have girls comment “Need him biblically”
-There's so many different NYC man on street TikTok questions. "What do you do for a living?" "What gives you confidence?" "Where do you go out?" Things of that nature. I really want go into one organically, have it go viral, and then get a bunch girls to comment "Need him biblically." That would make me feel nice.
Look into bone broth, consider drinking it pending my findings
-This one is pretty self-explanatory. I heard it's good for gut health but I will do my own research before committing to this any further.
Start lying about my age
-I turn 29 in April (April 29th as we all know), and that's starting to get up there. 30 is staring me down. So I think I'll just start lying and still say I'm 28 for the whole year, hell I may even go down to 27.
Get on the Deux Moi celebrity sightings Instagram page, ideally saying I was seen on a date with Sabrina Carpenter
-There's a celebrity gossip page called Deux Moi that does "Sunday sightings" where people send in where they saw celebrities. I'd love for someone to submit that they saw me and Sabrina Carpenter at a cocktail bar together in Tribeca. Actually going on a date with her is VERY unrealistic, but a fabricated one that the public thinks is real would suffice.
Listen to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by the Baha Men at least once a month
-This song was stuck in my head this morning and I realized I've completely forgot about it. What a banger and blast from the past. I'll be listening at least once a month this year.
Stop just doing whatever I want
-I'm a single 28-year-old male living in New York City with almost no responsibilities. I do essentially anything I want at all times. I want ice cream? I get ice cream. I don't want to go to the gym? I don't. I want to go out til 4 AM on a Friday and then sleep until 1 PM on a Saturday? I do it. Philosophers would refer to me as a "Hedonist." But I've decided that constantly chasing short-term pleasures might be nice in the moment, but don't provide me with any long term fulfillment or happiness. So maybe I'll change all that shit I guess.
Figure out how to tie my shoes once and for all
-This is something I've struggled with my entire life. My shoes just never stay tied. I guess I just don't know how to tie them properly. I have to get to the bottom of that.
So that's my full list of resolutions for 2025. If I can hit more than half of them, I'll consider it a success.