If Baseball Players Had Any Honor, They'd Donate Their Salaries To Hockey Players
Juan Soto is a very good baseball player. There's no denying that. He's a generational talent. I mean he's never won an MVP or anything, but the man is easily the best player in baseball under 30-years-old. But will he be remembered as quite literally the most jaw-dropping, "this guy must be an alien", completely blow your dick away athlete we've ever seen? Fuck no.
That's Connor McDavid.
Every single night, Connor McDavid does something that seems to break the fabric of reality. Something so outrageous that it keeps top scientists up all night struggling with our current understanding of physics. And what does Juan Soto do? He hits a ball over a wall just 201 times out of a career 3280 at-bats.
But that didn't stop Juan Soto from signing a contract worth SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS last night with the Mets. US legal tender. The largest contract in sports history, for a guy who hits a ball hard sometimes.
Connor McDavid makes a measly $12.5 million per year. In theory, the entire Pacific Division (the division the Edmonton Oilers play in) would only make a combined $704 million this year. 8 teams in the division, $88 million salary cap for NHL teams. Juan Soto's contract could buy every single player in the entire division for an entire year, and still have enough leftover to sign Sidney Crosby like 5 times. All to hit a goddamn ball with a piece of wood.
All I'm saying is that I don't know how baseball players do it. I don't get how they live their life every day with such a profound lack of shame and honor. If I got Juan Soto's contract to play baseball, I'd feel so guilty about myself every day. The only thing that would quell my guilt would be to just pick 12 or 13 different hockey players around the NHL to donate my contract to. Those are the guys in sports that really deserve that money. Tom Wilson is playing hockey with half of his face being completely obliterated for $6.5 million per year. Juan Soto could give him an extra $5 million per year and he wouldn't even notice it missing from his bank account.
Moral of the story: Don't buy your kid a pair of skates for Christmas this year. Just send them to live in the Dominican Republic for a few years to develop as a baseball prospect.