In Honor of Disneyland's 70th Anniversary Celebration, Let's Take a Look Back at Some of Disney's Greatest Moments

Congratulations Disney. You did it. You've won. You've achieved as much as one company can possibly achieve. You own the biggest everything in the world. That football game you're watching? It's a Disney production. The retirement complex in Florida you shipped your grandmother to against her will? That's a Disney property. The United States Government? Most people don't know this, but Ronald Regan actually sold the Executive Branch to Walt Disney Co. in 1986. 

Bettmann. Getty Images.

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Donald Trump is just Mickey Mouse in a human costume. So in honor of all their success, I wanted to highlight some of my personal favorite moments from your long & storied history

Note: I know that Disney itself is 101 years old. And that this 70th anniversary celebration is specifically a Disneyland thing. Which isn't even the good Disney theme park. And I know that the celebration isn't even happening until next spring. So this blog is basically "in honor of" Disney announcing that they will be celebrating something at their 2nd best theme park sometime in the future. But fuck it. We're celebrating that Disney set a date for a celebration. Good job, Disney.

Lion King - The Circle of Life

Lion King's, The Circle of Life is everything that Disney is about. Disney orchestrated a timeless classic and wove it in perfectly with the storyline of a classic animated film. To this day, The Circle of Life is the most commonly performed song by students in music classes across the world. Both regular and special education. The Circle of Life could even be used by science teachers in lessons about the food chain if they so chose.

Lion King - Hakuna Matata

There are not one, but two timeless classics featured in the story of The Lion King. After Simba's father Mufasa dies and his body turns to fungus, Simba is sad. But thankfully he's introduced to the friendly meerkat-warthog duo of Timon and Pumbaa. Through the power of song, they encourage Simba (who's evil uncle murdered his father by dropping him off a cliff into a pack of stampeding wildebeests roughly 5 minutes ago) to stop being a depressed little bitch and just get over it.

Bambi - Bambi's Mother Shot Dead

My apologies, I was stuck on The Lion King for a minute there. Bambi's mother being shot by a hunter is another one of Disney's signature cartoon murders. One of the most memorable moments in the history of the company. Yet another valuable life lesson for children of all ages. Much like fathers, mothers can also die. Moms can be shot at any moment. It's the circle of life on display in a more realistic manner. 

Pinocchio - Lampwick Turns Into Donkey

A harrowing moment of cartoon history. After already being transformed from a wooden puppet into a human being, Pinocchio is whisked away to Pleasure Island where children are free to do the things they love most - drink beer and smoke cigars. In this unforgettable scene, Pinocchio's child friend Lampwick, after throwing back a 32 oz. lager in a single gulp, painfully morphs into a donkey and cries for his mother as he's stripped of his humanity so that he can be sold into slave labor

And I know what you're thinking, "If the bad guy's goal is to make money, why would they turn their children into donkeys when there's way more money in child trafficking?"

That's a fantastic question. Maybe the bad guys have a twisted conscious and somehow feel less bad about trafficking kids if they transform them into donkeys first? That way they can tell themselves that they're not really people. Or that the life of a slave donkey is less cruel than that of a child prostitute. Or maybe they just didn't have a child buyer. It's hard to say. Luckily, Pinocchio gets away. Not Lampwick though. Lampwick is carrying immigrants on his back across a border somewhere. Which could actually be rewarding work depending on how you choose to look at it.

Hunchback of Notre Dame - Quasimodo Tied to Wheel

Set in 1482 Paris, France. The evil King of Paris(?), in the midst of planning a genocide, ties a mentally challenged man to a wheel and orders the town to throw produce at him. It goes on until he's eventually saved by the town hot girl who the mentally challenged man then falls in love with. But they do not fuck in the end. That would have been too much. Even for Disney. He is a freak after all. She ends up opting for a less handicapped individual.

Donald Duck - Def Fuehrer's Face

In 1943, early in Donald's cartoon career, Donald Duck took on his most challenging and controversial role to date. A Nazi. There's an 8 minute episode of Donald Duck where Donald Duck is a Nazi. He has pictures of the Axis Powers' leaders on his bedroom wall. He reads Mein Kampf. Donald Duck Sieg Heil's more than a few times. Carries a drum with a Swistika on it. There's Swastikas everywhere He even shapes his body into a Swastika at one point.

Turns out it was all in Donald's dream. Donald Duck has only ever been a Nazi in his nightmares. And the whole cartoon has an anti-Nazi message. But the images are something.

Congratulations on your upcoming 70th anniversary event, Disneyland. I hope your celebration that's nearly half a year away is the most magical celebration on earth. I'm sorry everyone hates Moana 2. Maybe try having some more lovable characters murdered in the third one. Or try bringing in a new character. Throw one of your classic Asian cats into the mix. Anything to get back to your roots.