List of Things I Would Miss for a $25K Free Bet

In case you don't closely monitor the potential financial winfalls of people with fake jobs at internet companies, let me briefly explain the situation. My co-worker Ben Mintz (bizarre looking man above) was given $25k to bet on a football game of his choosing. One free, no risk bet using someone else's money. Those were his work responsibilities for Sunday. He just had to show up to the office and cheer for himself to make a pretty significant amount of money. I know, I know... it's a lot for Barstool Sports to ask an employee to come in on the weekend. I bet most of you were rotting away watching NFL football on your couches all day. But Mintzy has a highly demanding job. Sometimes he has to adjust his social schedule to make over a quarter-of-his-salary bonus (maybe?) in a few hours. 

Now this might make me a bad person, but despite all the pain behind those googly eyes, I can't say I feel bad for Mintzy. Me, personally... I'd love an opportunity to win $25k. I think I could find time in my schedule to make it to Chicago and bet on my favorite team. Even though yesterday, if I had that bet, it would have been complete disaster because I would have taken Colts -2.5 only to watch Anthony Richardson make a 2-point conversion with 12-seconds left to win by 1 instead of taking the game to OT. But I would have been there. 

This weekend would have been easy to get to Chicago. I didn't have much going on. But even if I did... I can't think of many things I wouldn't reschedule, or things I wouldn't give up for a $25k free bet. Just off the top of my head...

2-Weeks of My Life/Freedom

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I don't want to say anything crazy here. I don't think I'd give up a full month. But I do think I'd agree to spend two weeks in a prison for a $25k free bet. I would need some sort of "no rape guarantee". But assuming I can chill in my cell, read a bunch of books, get an hour of rec time per day, learn to play dominos, and take no more than a couple punches, I'd sign up for that. It would probably be a nice little reset. I'd spend a lot of time thinking. Some time away not having to worry about the pressures of the outside world might actually do me some good. It would definitely make me appreciate my freedom more. So yeah… 2 weeks of freedom. I'd give up 2 weeks of freedom for a $25k free bet. 

Turkey For Life

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I like turkey fine. I think it's a little overrated. I'd prefer sitting around a nice roasted duck for Thanksgiving dinner. But I eat turkey a good amount. Not being able to eat it for the rest of my life would be a large inconvenience. I'd never get to have a protein at Thanksgiving. We often have meals with ground turkey as a healthy alternative to ground beef. Sometimes I make lunch meat turkey sandwiches. I wouldn't necessarily miss it, but it would be an inconvenience for the rest of my life. I'd take it on for a $25k bet though. And I'll even throw in the country of Turkey. I don't foresee myself ever needing to go there. My hairline is doing just fine.

Dinner With Jay-Z

Remember when people were genuinely debating if they would rather have dinner with Jay-Z or $500,000? There were real people who said they would take the dinner over the money. I guess they thought that somehow the wisdom Jay-Z would impart on them over the course of a meal would be more valuable in the long run. Or that if they could just get him to listen to their mixtape, or hear out their million dollar idea, that Jay-Z would be so blown away he would immediately go into business with them. Or maybe they were already rich and just really wanted to meet the guy. I don't know. But for me… I'm taking $500k. I'd even take $25k. I'd even take a 50% chance at $25k. I'm sorry Jay-Z. I'm sure we'd have a swell time. We'd share some laughs. You'd lecture me on the importance of investing in art. But even if Jay-Z and I had a previously scheduled dinner date, I'd cancel for a chance to win an amount of money that would make my life slightly easier for the next year. 

Meeting My Favorite NFL Coach

Say my favorite coach is Sean Payton. What a guy. It can't be overstated what Sean Payton did for the city of New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Honestly, I forget exactly what happened. I was pretty sure they won a Super Bowl the following year. But I'm seeing now that Katrina was in 2005, and the Saints didn't win until 2010. But still… I know the Saints were important for that city. And Sean Payton was a big part of it. So if Sean Payton's daughter promises you 90 seconds with Sean immediately before his Denver Broncos face-off against the Saints, when you know you'll have his undivided attention, you do whatever it takes to get there. You put on your best shirt with your own face on it, your finest $2,000 timepiece from a failing watch company, and you shake his hand on behalf of the entire city of New Orleans.

However… even if I was already on the field of the Superdome… if I already had Sean Payton in my sights… if I got a text saying it was either meet Sean Payton or bet $25k of DraftKings' money on a Derrick Henry anytime TD. I'm taking my chances with the bet.

The Egg Bowl

The Egg Bowl is the college football rivalry game played between Ole Miss & Mississippi State. It dates back to 1901. It's an event that any true, red-blooded college football fan would be blessed to witness in person. Especially when played in Oxford, Mississippi. What a treat to spend a fall afternoon galavanting around The Grove. The weather is perfect. The leaves are changing colors. The women are 10's and the men all look like Mintzy, which I have to think makes your chances of scoring pretty good. There's faint a sense of, "I bet a lot of these people come from slave money" in the air. It's everything that SEC football is about. But there will be other Egg Bowls. For as long as football is being played, last place Mississippi State will be facing off against an underachieving Ole Miss team on the Friday after Thanksgiving. For me, a 50% chance at $25k would take precedent.

Widespread Panic Concert

I've never had the opportunity to hear Widespread Panic play one long 6-hour song while I shotgun chemicals out of balloons that were sold to me by a toothless hippie with a traveling nitrous tank. But I'm told it's an experience everybody should have at least once in their life. But in the end, if it was between doing drugs with strangers while listening to music that's only enjoyable when your brain is deprived of oxygen, or possibly being able to pay for my wedding… I would have put the Widespread Panic concert on hold.

Any Person in the World's Birthday

Mom, Dad, Brother's, Dogs, my future children, my fiancee's. Especially my fiancee's. I can't even imagine her reaction if I took her to birthday dinner, and while we were eating I told her, "You know… I passed up a very real chance at $25,000 to be here with you."

She'd probably throw her drink in my face. Not just the liquid either. She'd baseball throw a heavy cocktail glass directly between my eyes. Leave me bleeding out on a table in the middle of 4 Charles Prime Rib. Probably wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. And she's one of those people who LOVES her birthday too. But she's also a logical human being. I can't get her a better gift than $25k. 

My Family Christmas

The week I get to go back to Ohio for Christmas break is my favorite time of year. Christmas is my favorite holiday. Just a week of sitting on the couch, hanging out with family, eating good food, playing games, watching football, opening presents, etc. I love it all. But if I had to miss the whole thing this year for a $25k bet, I would easily do it. I'd be a little bummed out. My family would be a little disappointed. But they'd fully understand. There will be other Christmases. I can find another week to come home and see everyone. I would literally give up my entire Christmas break for a $25k free bet without a second thought. 

God damn it Mintzy. Now I've worked myself up into a pissed. But thankfully the bet is now going to people who genuinely deserve it. So in the end it was all for the best. Watching our control room guys win $25k would be 1000x more rewarding than watching Mintzy hit another insane bet.