What ever happened to dildos?/Holiday Gift Guide

Oleg Elkov. Getty Images.

The first part of that title is an honest question, but I will move backward briefly.

There are 3 things I like to stay abreast of:

1. Food
2. Boxing
3. Sex toy innovation

The first two are self-explanatory, but what about the third? 

You'll have to take my word for it (or not) when I say that I do not own any sex toys outside of the jerkoff sleeves Joey Camasta leaves strewn around HQ in order to groom the interns. Outside of that, I've never needed anything more than a tiny bit o' spit and a little bit o' privacy to fire one off.

But even though my pistol needs very little to discharge, I am fully aware that the fairer of the sexes sometimes need something more technologically advanced to stimulate their holsters.

Except, of course, in the case of Jamie Lee Curtis, who (allegedly) has the added benefit of possessing both a pistol and a holster.

But every other biological female in the world might get to the point where she needs a little toy in her stocking, so I try to stay current on everything the market has to offer… And the evolution of that market has been staggering to witness.

Although sex toys have been around for THOUSANDS of years, the mass promotion of the products started with the introduction of the casual dildo to an eager crowd of American consumers during the sexual revolution of the 1960s. Since then, it's worked its way up to something much more bizarre and mechanical.

And instead of walking you through the evolution of "pussy smashers"… You can learn all about them in a Twisted History I recorded in 2021…

So in lieu of rehashing Cleopatra's fondness for sitting on a hollowed gourd filled with angry and buzzing bees, I'll get right to the point and show you what might be the pinnacle of the alliterative "taint tickling toys", and that is the Discreet Polar Bear Pillow Remote Control Sex Machine…

For the high-high price of just $475 (plus tax and delivery), any lonely lassie can now cuddle with a high-quality stuffed bear just like she did as a child. Only now, she has the added option of fucking the absolute shit out of her cuddle pal after their afternoon nap.

I am not judging here… Nor am I writing this blog hoping to "yuck the yum" of anyone who has this on their Amazon Wish List. 

And I shouldn't be writing about this product as if it was only made for women… If you read the product reviews, 'verified commenter' RJ Neiberger wrote, "I would personally prefer one that is bigger in both body and shaft for men because the positions available are a bit more limited. Perhaps a shark-shaped one that is arched in a way that allows for easier backward thrusting."

So this little polar bear apparently goes both ways… You go bear! Find your truth!

But I am writing this as a cautionary tale to tread lightly as you keep upping the masturbatory ante because you'll eventually find yourself in dire straits.

It'll inevitably get to the point where you'll either have to change your panties every time you pass the stuffed animal aisle at Target or become so desensitized to your furry friend that you'll have to explore even more elaborate ways to find that "O".

(NOT ME!)

Happy Thanksgiving and take a report.

-Large

I alluded to an old Hollywood rumor above when I said Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly a hermaphrodite… For decades people have sworn that Curtis once acknowledged in an interview that she was born with both male and female sex organs.

That rumor has since been proven 100% false by multiple outlets, but it still rears its ugly head every now and again… Mainly in ignorant blogs like mine. Feel free to toss this fib into the fire of non-truths along with other popular rumors such as "Richard Gere shoves hamsters up his ass", "Marilyn Manson was the skinny friend in The Wonder Years", and "penis size doesn't matter."

TAR

-L