Ohio State's Brutus The Buckeye Statue Was Viciously Attacked On Saturday Night And Indiana And Michigan Fans Are The Top Suspects

Who the fuck was it? Ohio has the Death Penalty, right? This shit is not funny in the middle of the fucking June, let alone right before the biggest week of the season. Forget the Ohio State Police working on this case. I want the FBI called in and I want all hands on deck to not only find the culprit before Saturday, I also want a new statue up by lunchtime today. The fact of the matter is that this Statue near Varsity Club and the stadium is iconic to students and tailgaters, and the absence of it on Saturday will show weakness. I want this fixed IMMEDIATELY.

Now, the question is this, who did it? Obviously we should've had 24/7 surveillance over all important artifacts leading up to the Michigan game, and that will need to be addressed in our next task force meeting. But we fucked up, and now we need to figure out who got us. I've narrowed it down to 3 groups of people:

Suspect #1 - Indiana Fans

The motive here is simple: Indiana was 10-0 and as long as they didn't get their doors blown off by the Buckeyes on Saturday, they were a shoe-in for the College Football Playoff. The White Boy Ricks of the world were walking around Friday night with their chest pumped out, truly acting like they could win this game. The only problem was that we were still Ohio State and they were still James Madison. And while it's tough to beat a team 30 straight times, we found a way. And it embarrassed Indiana fans and SHOULD keep them out of the playoff. So I get why they'd be mad. My guess would be either a group of students who foolishly made the trip, or Curt Cignetti himself upset that Ryan Day punched it down his throat at the end to hurt them in the committee's eyes even more, attacked a statue because they couldn't beat anything with a pulse.

Suspect #2 - Michigan Fans

This is my most likely scenario. Michigan has shown that they will do ANYTHING, even the most heinous acts of sign stealing, to beat Ohio State. And while there is simply nothing they can do on the field this year to beat the Buckeyes, they had to get their licks in early and the only thing they could think of was knocking down a statue. My guess is they wanted to tear down a banner too, but that would look silly when they have to tear down their own in a few weeks as well. Either way, if this was Michigan fans, I do tip my cap. I love the hatred of the rivalry. But just know that I have texted this picture of Brutus to my sources within the program and the message was simple: they can hurt a statue, but they can't keep us from hanging 100 on Saturday.

Suspect #3 - Drunk Ohio State Students

I guess it has to be considered that Ohio State students celebrated beating Indiana and the impending Michigan game a little too hard before heading home for Thanksgiving Break. College kids do stupid things, but tearing down the statue of the school's mascot during Rivalry Week would certainly take the cake. I could see a world where it's our own people doing this, but when the FBI inevitably solves this case, someone is going to look reallll stupid and have to transfer if it really was Buckeye on Brutus the Buckeye Crime. I'm praying for the person who did its sake that they weren't an OSU student. Because an Indiana fan or Michigan fan would have to do time in prison, but an Ohio State student? You're no longer welcomed as a Buckeye. And that's 1000x worse than going to jail.