Jesus Fucking Christ.. Jay Leno Went Tumbling Down A 60-Foot Hill Outside Of A Hampton Inn, Looks Like He Just Went 36 Rounds With Prime Mike Tyson

I did not mean to let out a booming guttural laugh that came from the depths of my soul when Jay Leno removed his pirate's eye patch to reveal the largest face bruise the world has ever seen. Not that it was doing much to make him look any less hilarious in the first place. But there's nothing funny about the image of a 74-year old Jay Leno tumbling down a 60-foot hill Jack & Jill style. Not funny at all. Especially when you think about the noises he was probably making as he violently rolled ass over applecart down a rocky slope in rural Pennsylvania. And when you think about how just over a year ago, Jay Leno suffered 3rd degree burns when one of his classic cars "burst into flames without warning"... 

... and soon after broke multiple bones in a motorcycle accident.

…it does not make you think of Jay Leno as a real life Looney Tunes character who steps on rakes and has a piano fall on his head every time he leaves his home. 

Even though Jay is having a laugh at himself, I'm not going to make light of the situation. Jay Leno is in dire straits. We need eyes on this man at all times. We simply cannot allow him to continue wandering the streets of America like Wile E. Coyote. Reality is not the cartoon that Jay Leno seems to be living in. When he inevitably drives his 1965 Ford Mustang head-on into a mural painted on the side of a building, he's not just going walk away a comical purple bump on his head. There are no seatbelts or air bags in the types of cars Jay Leno drives. If we don't get him into one of these large bubble things immediately…

Shutterstock Images.

Jay Leno is going to die. He will slip on a banana peel while crossing the Brooklyn Bridge and fall over the side onto a boat full of alligators. I guess even the safety bubble wouldn't save Jay Leno in that scenario. But for his own good, we can't just let him continue living his life on his own terms. Something hysterical terrible is bound to happen.

Or all of these stories are bullshit, and Jay Leno is constantly getting the shit beat out of my by people he owes money too. He got addicted to historic vehicles and took out one too many loans he couldn't pay back. Which actually makes a lot more sense. Because why the fuck else would is he still doing comedy gigs when he's more bruise than body. That's not the behavior of someone who's in a good place financially.