I Was Forced To Watch "I Am A Sex Addict"

Evan Agostini. Getty Images.

Life as a Cincinnati Bengals fan is a cruel existence. Despite the national reputation as perennial losers who often get grouped in with the likes of our neighbors on the opposite corner of the state, for much of my life the team has given its fanbase reasons to cheer. I don’t remember the 90s Bungles. My first memories with the franchise begin roughly when Carson Palmer rolled into town in 2003 and since that point in time the team has consistently finished the season above .500, produced some of the league’s most exciting players, and made the playoffs more than its fair share. 

But it’s the hope that kills you. It’s the crushing realization over time that winning a Super Bowl is as much about the people off the field as it is on. The Bengals currently have legitimate candidates to win MVP, OPOY, and DPOY. They are also firmly out of the playoff race. How does this happen? Why does God hate us? Is it the chili? 

Quite simply if your owner doesn’t prioritize winning then you are at a massive disadvantage in this league. I believe that Mike Brown loves the franchise. It’s his father’s legacy and that means something. However, I also believe that Mike Brown loves money and loves it even more than he loves the Bengals and winning. And while there have been efforts to bring Cincinnati to a competitive level in recent years through revamping facilities, bringing in new money from advertisers and partnerships, and honoring players of past generations, they've all felt like gestures that are just enough to keep the people of southeastern Ohio from burning down PayCor Stadium entirely. There’s still no GM. The pro-scouting department is practically non-existent. We hire inexperienced, unqualified coaches because it’s the cheapest option. And because of these fiscal shortcuts, a window is now closed and who knows when it will open again. So sincerely from the bottom of my heart, fuck you Mike Brown. 

Alright, now that I’ve got that off my chest it’s time to explain the salacious title of this blog. I’m a behind the scenes guy at Barstool who primarily spends his time working on The Dozen Trivia (watch our new series The Geniuses: Sports Edition) but I also hop on the mic weekly to talk about movies with Kenjac. Seeing as he’s a Chargers fan we decided to make a bet this week for the LA-CIN primetime matchup that would have the loser watch a movie of the winner’s choosing and write a 500-word blog reviewing the film. I am in no mood to revisit the specifics of what happened, but I ended up at the mercy of Kenjac.

Caveh Zahedi’s 2005 ‘I Am A Sex Addict’ is one of the most alarming pieces of media I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. Written by, directed by, edited by, and starring Zahedi, he uses the full 98-minute runtime to admit to things that Batman himself couldn’t pull out of me. It’s like the movie "Liar, Liar" but instead of it being a goofy Jim Carrey comedy with a happy ending, it’s real footage of a deeply disturbed man thinking he’s found enlightenment through being completely honest about his deviancy. He speaks about how he would follow women throughout the streets of Europe and get upset when he found out they had boyfriends. How during his marriages (multiple, somehow), he would drive around all night asking prostitutes on the street “will you suck me?”. He claims he masturbated in a confessional booth at every cathedral in Paris at one point. 

I really cannot iterate enough how horrific it was to sit through this. At points the absurdity would give way to laughter, but those chuckles would be almost immediately reigned in by this absolute freak admitting to some of the creepiest shit you could imagine. Words really won’t do it justice, so if you want to see some of the material this guy put out into the universe check my twitter thread where I posted some of the most incredulous moments from the first half of the movie.

Now, if you want to see a good movie about sex work make sure to see Sean Baker’s ‘Anora’ which is in theaters now. It’s the rare modern day Oscars darling that I am readily recommending to my average moviegoer friends. It’s hilarious, raunchy, and heartfelt – everything ‘I Am A Sex Addict’ is not. (And after that check out our review of the film!)

Until next time, Who Dey.