43 Monkeys Escaped From A Medical Lab In South Carolina and Are On The Loose. Residents Have Been Warned To Lock All Doors And Windows

Associated Press - Forty-three monkeys escaped from a compound used for medical research in South Carolina but the nearby police chief said there is “almost no danger” to the public.

“They are not infected with any disease whatsoever. They are harmless and a little skittish,” Yemassee Police Chief Gregory Alexander said Thursday morning.

The Rhesus macaque primates escaped from the Alpha Genesis facility Wednesday when a new employee didn’t fully shut an enclosure, Alexander said.

The company usually handles escapes on site, but the monkeys got outside the compound about 1 mile (1.6 kilometers) from downtown Yemassee, Alexander said.

“The handlers know them well and usually can get them back with fruit or a little treat,” Alexander told The Associated Press by phone.

But rounding up these escapees is taking some more work. Alpha Genesis is taking the lead, setting up traps and using thermal imaging cameras to recapture the monkeys on the run, the chief said.

“There is almost no danger to the public,” Alexander said.

People living nearby need to shut their windows and doors so the monkeys can’t find a place to hide inside and if they see the primates, call 911 so company officials and police can capture them.

“There is almost no danger to the public,” Alexander said.

Famous last words, straight out of a summer block buster. 

As for which summer blockbuster we're talking, we could go several different directions with this scenario here. 

This has all the makings for the real life version of the 1995 Dustin Hoffman dud, Outbreak, featuring Cuba Gooding Jr. (remember him?), and a very underrated Rene Russo.

(Sidebar - I never understood why Rene Russo didn't get mentioned more in the hollywood bombshell talk. She was old as hell when I started coming of age, but even in my teens, before I'd ever even heard the word MILF, or stumbled across my first Lisa Ann scene, I knew older women was where it's at. Two words. Thomas Crowne Affair. Three words.)

Back to the blog- 

Or, this is the start of The Planet of The Apes. 

Honestly, and I mean this with 100% sincerity, I am for this happening. Not joking. We deserve it as a species. It would be the greatest example of karma ever if the animals rose up against humans and took back the planet we are running into the ground. 

I'm going to run the risk saying something here, sticking my neck out with a take I don't know people will agree with me on, but I don't think the Planet Of The Apes movie series is that bad. In fact, I think the majority of them are actually pretty decent, entertaining action dramas. My only bone to pick with the series is they made one of the biggest casting gaffes in movie history by not casting Ron Perlman to play Caesar. He wouldn't have even needed make up. But I digress. Good movies to watch on a lazy weekend, and one of these days, I vow to use this handy guide to actually watch them in chronological order so the whole story makes more sense. 

Back to the blog again-

Let's talk about accountability. 

What the hell happened to it? 

I'm not saying this is a new problem, that didn't exist before gen z'ers showed up, but it's just totally nonexistent today. Talking to other people who own and manage businesses, people are just checked out everywhere. Everybody just points the finger at everybody else, nothing is ever anybody's fault, and if something falls on them it's always, "yah but…". And I say that because I'm willing to bet that's the case here. How the fuck do 43 monkeys, FORTY THREE, thats not a couple, that's a small army, escape from a lab? Also- why the fuck are we doing lab experiments on monkeys still? Isn't this 2024 and aren't we more civilized now? That's fucked up. Testing on dogs and monkeys and shit is cruel. Why can't we be like China and use prisoners with life sentences for that stuff? 

43 monkeys on the loose in your town is not the kind of news you want to wake up to. Of all the wild animals you could have out on the loose, sure monkeys aren't the most dangerous, but they're definitely the smartest. You can bet your ass that if there's a way for them to get inside somewhere and hide, they're going to figure it out. Doesn't matter if its a second story window cracked either. They're agile as fuck. They'll get up there and get inside. 

And because the officials said "there is almost no danger to the public" definitely means these monkeys are infected with the ebola virus or Covid 20 or some shit because what else would they be using them for tests for? So if you're living in South Carolina and reading this, I'd get the fuck out of town asap. 

h/t Jackson Burns