"I'M BACK MOTHER FUCKERS" - John Rocker Never Left

John Rocker recently announced his triumphant return to society. A lot of people are speculating it was a coordinate push for late, undecided voters. Others are saying he never left in the first place because he's John Rocker and he would beat the shit out of you so fast you wouldn't even feel it because you're already dead. 

Personally I'm just curious if the younger generation is aware that John Rocker represents at least 40% of Kenny Powers character traits. Even if you don't know or we're too young to witness one of pro sports greatest assholes. If you've seen Eastbound and Down, then you already know that John Rocker takes no prisoners. He actually wakes up everyday craving hatred and conflict and personal disgust. 

That's the John Rocker everybody knows and I don't think a missing-social media presence over the last decade changes any of that. 

Which begets the question, Can John Rocker make Rough n Rowdy great again? Last time we made a big push to save the programming but that was without a perfectly conditioned John Rocker begging to kick some ass. 

So without further ado, here are the best candidates: 

3. Mike Piazza: Big name and a Big Mets guy. Probably too nice to put the gloves on but also a huge draw and he could probably use the money. Not because he's broke but simply because he's still taking managerial jobs and hanging around the game, it's obvious the paychecks still matter big time. So we get a lot of boxes checked here before we even go to the tape or start talking about training routines. From a promotional standpoint that's actually really smart. 

2. Bobby Lang/Big Bad Booty Daddy: 2-for-1 special. We're gonna go 4 rounds total and let Bobby and BBBD rotate rounds. And maybe that's disrespectful but take one look at John Rocker and you have to immediately start leveling the playing field. I have no idea if this is legal or even that good of an idea. But for purposes of bringing a draw, I think it's only fitting to have two big RnR names tag-team John Rocker for no other reason 

1. Logal/Jake Paul: I'm not trying to be a hardo here just saying I don't know which one boxes. I think it's Logan but he might have a fight on the card already. Point remains though. A Paul brother vs. John Rocker in an abandoned New York Subway could possibly save the entire sport of boxing. Or maybe go one step further and make it a knife fight or let them choose their own exotic blade. Like one of those old Italian sickles that's rusted but still functional vs. a thinly bladed katana. I think that's actually pretty good entertainment but I also don't want to see anyone die. So maybe dull the blades enough to hardly break skin like we're at Medieval Times but with much less acting. That would actually be pretty interesting but again, this isn't really my wheelhouse.

Instead I'd rather focus on the closer role and how John Rocker really embodied the terrifying spirit of the position. Especially while Trevor Hoffman was pumping 86mph and Mariano Rivera had one boring pitch and Rod Beck was getting loaded in the bullpen. This was a time when branding really became a big thing with the back of your bullpen, and nobody branded themself as a bigger heel than John Rocker. 

Is it because he was a piece of shit? I don't know him personally and wasn't there so it's hard for me to say. I just know it was awesome being a kid and watching peak steroid era baseball with all these roided out lunatics lusting for blood. 

For more on why some people think he's the most ignorant asshole in modern MLB memory: 

PS - I have handicapped Frank Walks with Rocker as his first piece of Barstool content closely followed by Picks Central, Macrodosing, and a sandwich review with Large