OPINION: The Chicago Bears Need To Stop Playing Afternoon Games Because They Suck

This is somewhat of a personal blog so please don't get offended if you disagree. That's not my intention with this opinion. Instead I want to simply raise awareness that afternoon NFL games suck compared to noon kicks, and I would like to complain about it. 

The Bears play most of their games at 12pm central on Sundays. There's obvious exceptions: SNF, MNF, TNF, Thanksgiving vs. the Lions. Those are standard deviations from the typical Sunday noon kick and you know most ahead of time: at least one primetime Packers game a year and always another sacrificial Monday Night Football game at the worst possible time. Those you can bank on. 

What's new recently are these 3pm kicks and after back-to-back afternoon weeks, I can confidently say that they fucking suck compared to noon. 

Would my opinion be different if the Bears didn't suck against decent coaching? Probably. But I'm living in the real world where hypotheticals are mere distractions from practicality. And practically speaking, the Bears suck a moist low-hanging ballsack when facing average+ coached NFL teams. 

This brings me to the specific problems: 

1. I hate the 3pm games are pitch black in the 2nd half now and it fucks with my sleep schedule. The adrenaline and emotion of watching a game has been instinctively baked into 12pm. The last two weeks have recalibrated the hormone release schedule and as a result I'm eating dinner much later. I don't particularly care for that. 

2. It feels like I'm at playing blackjack at a nice casino but always getting my dick smashed in by the dealer. It's a classy experience that provides some kind of addictive reward that masks the fact I'm getting taken to the fucking cleaners every time I sit down. That's watching the Bears at 3pm because it's literally all sunshines and rainbows at kick off and then 2 hours later you just want to fall off a tall structure. 

3. Pregame meals are impossible for 3:30pm. I don't know when to start. I don't know when to finish. I don't even know how to prep a menu for that time of the day as it's pure no man's land. Now compare that to 12pm when you can start early with a nice breakfast and roll that into a couple brats. You can have a piping hot cup of coffee to kick off the tailgate and slowly migrate into hard booze and high noons for an elite buzz. That's inherent in the noon kick off. 

But if we push it back a couple hours, then we're starting later and probably drinking more. There's a bigger risk of browning out those memories and possibly not even making it in the stadium or sleeping through the 2nd half at home. There's also a much higher chance of over/under eating which means puking booze or shitting your pants, which I've personally seen enough times to think once or twice about meal prep. 

4. RedZone is so much better at noon which is nice if your team sucks like the Bears and you can't watch another snap. I think people talk about this but probably not enough so I'll speak up right now. RedZone afternoon is so weak sauce after a big morning. Nothing worse than 3 afternoon games and you're shuffling between Cowboys/Eagles, Chargers/Raiders and Seahawks/Giants. Or some miserable trio that won't collectively break 80 points while poor Scott Hanson's doing everything he can to recapture the Octobox magic. But it's not really there so you're stuck with a 29-9 non-divisional road conference blowout. Makes me sick. 

5. Again, sleep schedule. Can't say that enough. 

6. Sunday Night Football hits a lot different when your game ends 45 minutes before kick. The turnaround time is just too tight and makes SNF feel like a chore. Whereas the noon let's you gather yourself and your emotions. You might nuke an afternoon under because you're sharp and you like the premium action. Or maybe you fold that laundry or clean your ass or whatever it is you're compulsively neglecting. Use that Sunday afternoon window to close the gap, then fire up a thin crust heavy thru the garden extra sausage and relax. That's the playbook with a noon kick off and it couldn't be any different if you're playing a 3:30pm. 

7. If you're married and you have some expectations about how weekends should go, I think you agree with me that the noon kick is so much easier to plan around. Or at the very least, you don't have to remind your significant other multiple times that the Bears are on in the afternoon. So no, we can't go check out that apple orchard or farmers market or whatever inclinations become sparked when you see no Bears game at noon. We don't have time to be spontaneous AND comfortably watch the Bears lose by three touchdowns. But at noon, you have options to keep your old lady happy in smaller increments of time: 10am-11:30 and 3:30-5pm, etc. So that's nice. 

Anyways I have no solutions to solve any of these complaints other than to just urge the NFL to stop scheduling the Bears in the afternoon. It's not fun and I can't take it any more. 

PS - if you have a decent argument for the afternoon game over the noon, please by all means share. I mean it. There's not one single benefit that comes to mind.