Starbucks Is In Big Trouble, Losing Customers At A Terrifying Pace, And I Know Exactly Why
Justin Sullivan. Getty Images.Remember when Starbucks was cool? Or reliable? Or comfortable, cozy, and dare I say… sexy? A place you'd take a girl on a date! A place to read a book or conduct a business interview. A place to linger, to occupy, to exist without hurry!
Those days are fucking dead. I can only really speak to the landscape of Starbucks in New York City, but the thought of doing any of those things at one of their hell-rotten locations these days feels like a sadistic punishment. And apparently, their top brass have taken notice:
NY Times-
Last week, the coffee giant issued a preliminary report that showed a 7 percent drop in global same-store sales for the fourth quarter amid “a pronounced traffic decline” in North America — 10 percent lower than it was a year earlier.
Some customers, already squeezed by inflation, are simply balking at $8 lattes, while others are boycotting the chain for a variety of reasons. Still others have switched to coffee shop competitors that are popping up across the country.
“The traditional Starbucks experience is being greeted by name, having a friendly conversation with the barista and given a drink that tastes good,” said Ari Bray, a barista at a store…
Mr. Niccol said the company was reviewing and revising its store design with a goal of bringing back the cafe experience and more comfortable seating.
10% lower this year vs. last! Not great, Bob. The New York Times thinks its the high cost of their $8 lattes, a point which our dear EIC Nate has corroborated:
"Yesterday I paid $7.86 for a latte. I paid 80 cents extra for oat milk so just a regular ass latte is over 7 dollars. Makes no sense!" -Barstool Nate
Well Nate, the good news is that starting in the new year, Starbucks will no longer be upcharging you for dairy milk alternatives. The bad news is that it will still suck fucking ass to go there. Because the problem, at least in my opinion, has nothing to do with the cost of the drinks, or the milk, or any of that shit.
The problem is that Starbucks has pivoted from being a coffee shop to a place you go when you're in desperate need of a toilet. It is a chain of public toilets with a side-business selling bottled water and microwaved CVS-brand egg mcmuffins intended for consumption by our military in times of conflict.
These days, the most likely Starbucks I'll ever use is one in a train station—because I'm late for my train and haven't eaten and know I need something marginally better than whatever is served in the cafe car. And the superior coffee I drank at home has shot through me like powdered baby formula, so I rush in and ask for the fucking safe deposit code you need to access the bathroom. Of course there's a line, and of course there isn't a single person in that line intending to use the bathroom for its intended purpose. I'm fully aware we're about to call in some hefty barista to kick down the door and administer narcan to some twitching addict with a limp hand half-submerged in brown toilet water. Which is probably brown because they couldn't stand the taste of their shitty cold brew and dumped it before shooting up.
Years ago, Starbucks felt like a place you might see Nora Jones drop in for an unplugged set of Christmas favorites. Now, it's a methadone clinic that provides tired, seasonal punchlines for hacky open mic comedians about basic bitches and their love of pumpkin spice nonsense. Additionally, the pandemic instilled in us the desire to support small businesses, so we started opting for the cute coffee shop on the corner over one of the 40,000 worldwide Starbucks.
Starbucks' problem isn't that they priced out their customers; it's that they lost their smooth jazz vibe. Hiring the CEO of Chipotle might help, but I can't remember the last nap I took at a Chipotle either. Whatever it is, they had better sort their shit out quick. Christmas is right around the corner and nothing says "'tis the season" like that first day of red menus at your local Starbucks.