I Am Alarmed At The Number Of People Taking The Amount Of Uncrustables The NFL Consumes A Year At Face Value
Yahoo - With almost 3 million produced each day, J.M. Smucker's Uncrustables sandwiches are no doubt a popular snack option for kids and adults alike. Not only a first choice in school lunches, but it also turns out these crustless PB &Js are beloved by the NFL. A recent New York Times article endeavored to answer just how many sandwiches each NFL team goes through each season. Read more to learn the results and why Uncrustables are these sportsmen’s first choice for pre-game fuel.
An analysis from The Athletic, a sports journalism service offered by The New York Times, revealed that NFL teams consume at least 80,000 Uncrustables a year.
That large number comes out to about 3,600 to 4,300 Uncrustables a week. At one time, that amount of Uncrustables could physically cover over 18 yards of a football field.
Twenty-four of the total 32 NFL teams provided data on their Uncrustables consumption and the Denver Broncos led the pack reportedly going through 700 crustless sandwiches per week.
The article touts more fun data visuals such as that each week, the NFL consumes the weight of almost three Travis Kelces in Uncrustables. Kelce is a relevant measure as the Kansas City tight end said he eats Uncrustables “probably more than I eat anything else in the world,” on an episode of his “New Heights” podcast last year.
For how big of a deal this was on social media this week, I am shocked that nobody around here blogged this.
That's not me calling out my coworkers for not working, I'm the first one to blame as I have been in a whirlwind getting my ass kicked with work, I fainted getting my blood taken and found out I'm severely anemic last week, and I've had writer's block. So this is my attempt to break out of that rut. And finding a layup like this big fat juicy apple, still sitting there on the branch waiting to get plucked, is a gift.
But back to the uncrustables and this story that claims the NFL puts down 80,000 a year. That number is bullshit and the fact people are acting like that's a lot is a joke.
Let's break this down. The Denver Broncos, apparently, lead the league with 700 Uncrustables a week.
That's a decent number, I guess, but still. It's the Broncos. Have you seen those guys? They're massive. And they're only eating, what, 100 Uncrustables a day, split between the entire team? I'm not buying it.
According to The Athletic, these 10 teams make up the top echelon of Uncrustables consumers in the league:
Denver Broncos — 700
Seattle Seahawks — 320
Jacksonville Jaguars — 315
Miami Dolphins — 300
Atlanta Falcons — 250
Pittsburgh Steelers — 225
Arizona Cardinals — 200
Minnesota Vikings — 200
Los Angeles Chargers — 200
Baltimore Ravens — 150
Then you have guys like Travis Kelce, who claims he eats more Uncrustables than "anything else in the world." I believe him. I mean, have you seen the guy? He's a beast. And he's not alone. George Kittle, Mike Danna, Justin Tucker – these guys are all vocal Uncrustable enthusiasts.
I'm willing to bet the two Barstool offices combined consume more than 300 uncrustables a week. I would say between 400-600. That Broncos number (700) a week actually seems realistic.
I'm not a math guy, in fact I'm terrible at it, (I'm Italian), but using a basic calculator -
80,000 divided by 52 weeks = 1,538
1,538 divided by 32 teams = 48
As you can see, with the Broncos supposedly consuming 700 a week, and the Seahawks, Jags, and Dolphins all wolfing down 300 a week, the math isn't mathing.
Are teams underreporting their Uncrustable intake? Are they embarrassed to admit how many of these things they actually crush? I mean, I get it. It's not exactly the most glamorous snack. But let's be real, Uncrustables are fucking delicious. They're the perfect combination of sweet and savory, and they're easy to eat on the go. Plus, they're packed with carbs, fat, and protein, which is exactly what these guys need to fuel their workouts and games. If I am an NFL owner, I am stockpiling uncrustables in my team dining facilities.
I'm calling for a full investigation into this matter. We need to get to the bottom of this Uncrustable discrepency. I'm not saying that NFL teams are eating millions of these things a year, but I'm also not saying they're not. All I know is that 80,000 seems way too low.