'Goldfish' Crackers Are Temporarily Changing Their Name To Sound More Adult, But You're An Idiot If You Wouldn't Eat Them Before
Bloomberg. Getty Images.One of the worst traits someone can have is being a pretentious prick. Especially when it comes to being a snob about food. Anyone who thinks they're above something is just a gigantic asshole. I'm not saying you should go around putting a Big Mac on par with an all-time great burger made with the best ingredients possible, and cooked to perfection. But sometimes you just want a shitty burger, and a Big Mac hits that spot perfectly.
But people get older and they start to give a shit about what other people think of them. They want to seem cultured and of a certain class. Are chicken tenders and fries fucking delicious? Of course they are. But they wouldn't be caught dead eating them because they think they're above chicken tenders and fries.
Which brings us to Goldfish. The snack that smiles back. Probably a staple in your diet as a child, but there's a good chance you haven't purchased a bag in a while. Because you're an adult, and adults don't eat Goldfish, right? So now they're rebranding as "Chilean Sea Bass" to seem more adult.
It shouldn't haven taken this. I don't want to sound like I'm getting paid by Goldfish here, but they are literally the most perfect snack ever created. Doesn't matter if you're 3-years-old or 30, they are perfect.
For starters, they're the perfect size because you can just grab a handful here and there throughout the day. They're not greasy so you don't have to worry about obliterating your phone screen with a disgusting layer of grease after grabbing a handful. They may not overpower you with flavor, but that's a good thing because you won't still be tasting them on your breath 3 hours later. And they have just the perfect amount of salt that makes you want to go back for more, but not too much to the point where it makes you sick.
You may be thinking to yourself right now, "Jesus, Jordie. That's a pretty in-depth breakdown of Goldfish. Is everything okay?". And to that I'd answer yes. Everything is going perfect, actually, because I'm eating some right now.
Fact of the matter is that Goldfish are a masterpiece. When you're judging food, you have to go based off flavor, texture, mouthfeel, aroma, and presentation. They check all of the boxes. I'm not sure what else you want out of a snack to make it more "adult" than being a bit of culinary excellence. I'm sorry they don't come with shaved truffles and aren't baked in avocado oil with freshly grated Parmigiano Reggiano.